


Redemption

by MaryByU



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Cute Min Yoongi | Suga, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Human Trafficking, Jeon Jungkook & Kim Seokjin | Jin are Siblings, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope & Kim Namjoon | RM are Best Friends, Kidnapping, Kim Namjoon | RM is a Sweetheart, Kim Seokjin | Jin is a Good Hyung, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin are Best Friends, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin are Childhood Friends, Love Confessions, M/M, Min Yoongi | Suga Is Whipped, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Park Jimin (BTS) is a Little Shit, Pianist Min Yoongi | Suga, Psychological Trauma, Shy Jeon Jungkook, Strangers to Lovers, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:33:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 27,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22975588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryByU/pseuds/MaryByU
Summary: He was only 8 years old when Namjoon lost his brother in the park, it was a Saturday afternoon.He was just a kid who didn’t understand at first what was happening, crying and screaming his brother name “Tae Tae !!” Tears striping down his red cheeks.And even if he promise to never stay away from him ever again, even if he cried in his mother hold telling that he was sorry “I’ll never play on my own, I promise !” and even if some grown up people in costume were asking him question that he could only answer with desperate wails.He never saw his brother again.After that day, Saturday was the day he never gets out of his house if not to return to the place he lost him.And even if today Namjoon is 24, and had get out of his last therapy session, and was now getting dinner with his parents who were stranger to one other since that day. Namjoon didn’t forgot why he was here.He could never forgot.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Kim Namjoon | RM/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Comments: 44
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone,  
> I wanted to say that this story is for all brother and sister that lost their loved one. It's based on one of my deepest fear so i really want to try to say everything i could (and hoping it to be understandable).  
> There is not much stories about brothers and sisters relation (in a pure way, don't get you mind dirty)  
> So i wanted to write something for all of them.  
> And maybe tell you to love your siblings better because some of us have still the chance to have them.  
> I personally cried writing this, but i hope that you will feel everything anyway. (and maybe not cry because it's sad…)  
> Please stay safe and Happy, that was all ! ^^

"You planted seeds of Love in the empty places of my heart"


	2. Chapter 2

He was 8 years old when his life changes forever.

It was a Saturday afternoon, the sun was bright and the sky was clear of cloud. School hadn’t start yet and so kids were playing in the park for hours.

It was a small town, between rivers and fields, calm and relaxing where everyone knew everyone.

Namjoon had grew up between those walls, he had learned to read and to walk in this town, it was his home, his everything.

A repair that if he gets lost one day, he could say to anyone that he lived here, he could find his home at any point of the earth.

The town, old made of woods and brick, had many stone alley, and house covers of ivy. Sometimes he would walk between those, looking at everything and latter describing everything to his brother who was too young to walk with him all days.

Namjoon liked to explore, to search, to go everywhere his feet hadn’t take him before.

But what he liked the most was to play with his friend.

So it wasn’t rare to see him with other kids every Saturday in the park in front of the woods. Kids from every part of the town were always there. It was a small park, with swing and sandbox.

It wasn’t much and the town was trying to make it better, but the kids were happy, nonetheless.

Namjoon always stay by the swing with the older kids, playing with balls and bat, sometimes he would take the swing. But he always stays by this side of the park.

The place was always supervised by adults who stay close to the youngers by the sandbox.

But sometime, it wasn’t enough.

It was past 6 of the afternoon, when Namjoon think to go home, it was time for diner and he had promised his mother to come back in time, today he had comes with Tae Tae, it happened sometimes, when the little boy would want to follow his brother everywhere, and Namjoon were never mad, but here when he has to meet his friend, he didn’t liked to be seen like a baby if he stay by the sandbox where Tae likes to play.

He wasn’t shamed to play with his brother but sometimes he just wanted to be big.

So he had given Tae Tae his toys, and leave him there promising to stay here until they get back home, it wasn’t rare, it happens often enough that Namjoon sometime forgot to make the promise.

But that day, when Namjoon come to the sandbox where dozens of other smaller kids were playing, he didn’t see Tae Tae.

He goes to the small bathroom in the corner of the woods, but he wasn’t there too, and he had to ask to the park warden who just smile.

“I’ll help you find him Namjoon.”

But they didn’t.

Hour pass, the sun was starting to go down, but Tae Tae hasn’t been found. Adult were taking their kids back to their home when they found out about a missing kid, even his friends were not even here when he sees his mother breathless entering the park.

When she takes him in his arms he started crying. He had tried to stay strong, searching with the adults in the woods, he tried to not cry because Namjoon was a big kid, he was a big brother, he couldn’t cry when other need him, and certainly not when Tae Tae needs him the most.

But seeing the worry in his mother face had make him feel like a child again, a child who needed recomfort.

“I’m sorry, eomma, I’m sorry.”

But the mother just shakes his hand, hugging him closer and caressing his head.

“It’s okay, Joonie, we’ll found him.”

But they didn’t.

When grown up in uniforms asked him question, his mind was to afraid to answer, he tried, but he couldn’t, crying and crying again.

He wanted to see Tae Tae, he wanted to see that he was okay, but hours were replaced by days and Joonie never came out of his room, lying in bed with the only thing they found of his little brother. A light blue sweater, his favorite.

He was clutching the cloths to his heart, crying in his pillow and covering his ears from the argument his parents were having in the living room.

And Namjoon were afraid. Whispering to the walls, to the spirit, to god, to anyone who could listen to him.

“I’ll never play on my own, I promise, please give me Tae Tae back, please…”

Tae Tae was just 3 years old.

And he was never found.


	3. Chapter 3

Seoul was colder than what he remembered, even if he hadn’t left the city for a long time, coming back from his town was always like coming back from a long journey.

That was why the city seems colder, the air was thicker than a week ago, rain had cleaned the pavement making the road shiny with the building and shop lights, the streets were mostly empty at this hour giving an abandoned atmosphere.

The sun had set long ago, night had fall and with it, sadness seems had taken over the city.

Namjoon particularly liked the night. The moon brightly shining even behind the cloud was like a reminder that lights were everywhere even if you couldn’t see it.

He liked the feeling that night gives him. The loneliness that he was feeling, the emptiness of his heart were his friends since long ago. He liked to walk outside when the streets were empty, when there was no one too see, and no one too smile to.

He liked the feeling of being the only one under the moon, liked that he could wander everywhere without anyone around.

It was like the night was his only friend, his mirror to which he could show himself without being judged and maybe that was why he always travel at night.

He had taken the last train from his town, choosing especially an empty wagon when he had bought his ticket.

Namjoon didn’t particularly like to be alone but he hated crowd, specially when he was in the middle of them, the sensation to being enveloped by shadows and body was something Namjoon couldn’t put himself through since he was 8 years old.

So he avoided them when he could. Like the rush in the transport, the crowd in supermarket or the peak hour in any coffee shop. It wasn’t hard but sometimes it could put a toll on him.

But it helped him think better, the silence that was constantly around him helped thinking clearly, it was just him and his thoughts, without a wall of noise in between.

And he liked it that way.

What he liked less, were the dark alley.

Namjoon wasn’t a fearful person, he had walked sometimes at 2 pm at night in road emptier than his own apartment but dark alley had something that remind him of his life.

Unknown and gloomy.

Like a mirror put in front of him to see his sad reality.

The thing was Namjoon hated to see himself in a mirror, not when he wasn’t ready. Not when his reality was constantly being put in front of him. Without his consent.

He started to walk on the road, letting his suitcase slide behind him, the noise of the wheel resonating in the street. There wasn’t nay car, nor a human, but he could hear traffics somewhere.

He wasn’t tired but the longer he walked, the longer he was missing his bed. He would have stayed longer in his town and rest fully, but the gaze of others, the silence who seems to follow him everywhere even in his town, and the people getting out of his way makes him comeback early.

Sometime when he was courageous enough, he would walk in the woods behind the park that was now surrounded by a fence to prevent any other disappearance.

Apparently, they needed one before taking mater in hands.

His feet where hurting in his shoes, worn out after hour and hour of walking in the woods but that didn’t matter when he was feeling so much better after coming back.

Seoul was like a breath of fresh air coming in his restricted lung, the city hadn’t changed since he settle down here, he didn’t expect him to change in the last few days, but the longer he leaved here, the longer he think that the city was just freeze in time, moving on itself, like a broken clock.

In a sense, Seoul was like him, and he didn’t know if he should love it for finally be able to find something like him or hate him for slapping his reality in his face every day.

But it didn’t matter, because at the end of the day, Seoul was all he had left after all.

And sometimes you’re stuck with what you have, like a family member you couldn’t get ride of.

Namjoon was 23, and he had comeback from the 15th death anniversary of his brother.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone !  
> The update would be a little slower than I expected at the start, the story is basically an 15-20K words but I feel like there is a lot more to say.  
> So I will add more details, it doesn’t change the main plot, there would just be a better description of the characters (all of the characters not just the main) and maybe if you would like a better second story about the second couple.  
> I’m still thinking about all of this so I don’t have a really good idea of how longer the story would be and how much time it would be needed.  
> But for now, I’ll update like every 3 to 4 day instead of every 2 days.  
> I hope it’s okay, but this story is really important to me, so I want to do the best that I can.  
> I just want to remind you that English in not my first language, its not even my third ^^ so if I made any mistake of grammar or vocabulary, feel free to tell me, it always helps.  
> I hope to read you in the comments and if you like the story so far leave a kudos ^^ have a nice day !

It was the next day, Seoul had put on a white coat of snow during the night, the road was immaculate and beautiful. Cars and roof were white, and a thick fog had covered the city, the sun had disappeared behind it, making the view dull but gorgeous. If Namjoon was a photography major, he would have taken picture of every corner of the roads and street.

Cars had already left their tire tracks behind, but it didn’t lessen the beauty of the city. People were slowly leaving their home, walking carefully on the snow.

Namjoon avoiding even the smallest crowd, takes the small streets, carefully walking with his boots and listening to the screech of the snow under his steps.

The street seems silent, strangely reflecting his mind at the moment, some of the streets were still intact, the snow covering them like a white blanket and Namjoon couldn’t help but takes a picture with his phone and send it to his friends group chat.

Usually he would take the first train, arrived an hour early even before the opening of the clinic where he worked and would wait next to the worker gate, back against the wall. It was his ritual, a moment where he would think about anything and everything, organized his taught and maybe if he was lucky, relax a little.

But today, he just wanted to delay the moment where he would start his real life.

His daily life.

Namjoon wasn’t a depressive person, he wasn’t the type to be unsatisfied with what he had, he wouldn’t because his choices were his own and he was responsible of their consequences. But he was a tired person.

Tired of everything.

There wasn’t a moment when he wasn’t tired. The thing was he was tired of himself, of what he had become. Someone made by others.

If he thinks about it, humans didn’t belong to themselves, they grow up, change and interact depending of the people around them. As a human, Namjoon had grown depending of what his parents wanted him to be, had change depending of what society wanted him to be, and had interact because life was asking him to depend on others.

There wasn’t a moment when his life was his, completely his.

Not a moment when he would think _. That’s it, I know who I am._

Because he didn’t know who he was.

Life had put a toll on him since his young age and had continue to pull the trigger again and again, he hadn’t thought like a normal person since then. But he didn’t even know what a normal person was.

He had just tried to satisfy everyone.

And it was something that had never really change.

With time he had learn to lie to his psychologist, to his parents, to his friends, to everyone.

_Yes, I’m better. Yes, the medicine is working. No, I don’t have problem with sleeping anymore. No, it’s not my fault, I know now._

When he was 9, he had started a therapy that lasted more than a decade, it was long, long and painful but it had an end. It had to end when all he did to himself was suffer more.

The doctor wasn’t even at fault, it was him, him who didn’t want to be better because he wanted to suffer. Him, who couldn’t just change the fact that it was his fault. Him, which parents couldn’t even look at.

And daily life was a reminder.

He worked as an assistant in a psychiatrist clinic, and there, he sees himself in everyone. There dull eyes, their sad smile that never reach their eyes, their nervous hands, everything in them were screaming help, and most of the times they were helped.

But sometimes, some of them, never come back, because they had lost. Against themselves.

Namjoon was one of them, and nobody knew that.

Nobody has to know.

When the building of his clinic shows up, he slows down his steps, trying to gain some time.

Breathing in and out, slowly and deeply, trying to regain his focus, and his thought to himself. It takes him a few breathings to take back some control.

And when he did, he stretch his mouth in a small smile, trying to prepare for the day.

Coming back from the prayer of his deceased baby brother was still permeate in his mind. Still bleeding throughout his heart. Every year, it would take him a few days to regain himself.

Before this year, he had the possibility to takes a few days from university, and stay in his bed, crying and mourning. It was the only few days when he didn’t have to force and lie. He was bare with himself.

But not anymore, now that he was working like an adult, he couldn’t react like a child.

Sighing deeply and closing his eyes in front of the back door of the building, he put his forehead against the cold wooden door, breathing one last time before opening the door.

He just needed to forget, just a little, at least enough to continue his poor life.

Just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the story could seem a little boring and a depressing so far, but I promise that it’s better in the next chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's more a filling chapter but i hope you'll liked it.  
> I remade the picture of the story (i really suck at that, i'm sorry...)  
> Please check it, and tell me what you think and if you want one for the 2 other couple of the story.  
> Thanks a lot !

The first time Namjoon meets Hoseok, he was in high school, coming back after years being abroad, he was nervous but excited.

Korea was a country he had long forgotten, being a child when he leaved it, he had grown up in New Zealand where he had passed five long years. He was ten years old when he was sent in the middle of nowhere with a completely different language.

It was short after the divorce of his parents, saying hit that it was to _protect him and make him a better human_.

“We want to protect you from the world but we can’t do it here, life in New Zealand would be better, you’re a hard worker Joonie, just focus and work harder and don’t think of anything else, think to make us proud.” his mother had said.

But deep down he knew it was just to never see his face again, he had long been used to their avoidness, used to looked down during meals, and never saying anything in front of them.

So He didn’t protest, he couldn’t.

He didn’t protest when he sees his father leave the house one night with an only suitcase without looking at him, a week before he had to leave the country too.

He didn’t protest when his mother helped him pack to leave him after in the airport with a single hug.

He never protests because what was happening with them was his fault. And he knew that.

Studies had been what was left every time.

When he wanted to forget anything or not listen to his parents fighting downstairs, he would work, read and learn more, filling his mind with new things and pushing away what he wanted to avoid.

His mother didn’t understand that, if Namjoon had study harder the last few years was because he wanted to forget the love his parents had given him long ago.

He wanted to forget Tae Tae.

And maybe, if he was courageous and strong enough to face it, he wanted to forget his guilt.

But to think of nothing wasn’t something Namjoon could do.

So he continued, working, working, working.

He never says anything, he didn’t ask to stay, he didn’t say that she was wrong, he didn’t complain and never cry.

He didn’t kiss his mother because he knew he was old enough to not show his emotion anymore.

When he arrived in New Zealand alone and forsaken, he had hoped to be welcomed with friendly teachers and maybe classmates who would be curious about him like he was about them but he had quickly got used to the strict life of a bordering school, he didn’t makes friends and didn’t talked to anyone, putting his mind and soul in studying, he never broke any rule, never try to draw attention on him, living like a lost soul.

Every morning, every night.

Like a broken record.

Because he didn’t want to miss his mother, he doesn’t want to think of his father who he didn’t even know where he was, he didn’t want to think of Tae Tae, alone, wherever he was.

And he didn’t want to think of his classmate looking at him like he was some inferior creature, Namjoon just try to escape the memories of his brother, of his now long-lost happiness.

Forgetting his memories had become his goal.

But he worked harder enough that he forgot how to smile.

Until he met Hoseok.

Hoseok was a ray of sunshine, whose smile could put one on any other living around him but never reach his eyes. He was like a magnet orbiting about people.

But like but sun, he had no one wanting to touch him.

Namjoon had come back to Korea, trying to start a new life from nowhere, the high school he had join was an excellent one, he was told that he was in the top 10 students of the first years and had been proud but not long enough when he realizes he has nobody to share it.

The student in Korea seems worse than New Zealand, smiling at you if you were on the top of the chain and pushing you if you were not. They were like wild animal, trying to find the best meet in he middles of a dead forest.

Hoseok was different. He was alone like him, but alone differently.

Alone with a smile

And that had drew Namjoon to him

All the school knew his name, were smiling at him, and giving him hugs, but Hoseok was feeling lonely and Namjoon had seen it in his eyes, the same longing in his, and he didn’t heisted, at least not at the moment.

When he had come in front of the other table, nervous and afraid, it had taken him a minute to build the courage to speak, looking at Hoseok confused eyes. After so many years, he was trying to say something that he wanted, and it was hard. He had been so used to disregard his feeling that he couldn’t just say it, but when he opens his mouth and whisper.

“Would you mind, if I sit here?”

And see the other smile, he felt a warm feeling spreading in his body, happiness.

A bloom of happiness.

A feeling he felt for the first time since that day in the park.

Hoseok had nod a smile who finally reach his eyes and it was the most genuine, the most beautiful and warm smile Namjoon had even looked at in his entire life.

They never part after that.

Because Hoseok was the only one who didn’t know about Tae Tae. He was the only one who didn’t look at him with pity. And the only one who didn’t let go of him after knowing him.

And Namjoon was desperately searching for someone to hold into, even if the relation was based on a lie

But something unsaid isn’t really a lie, right?

A least Namjoon had the warm embrace he wanted so much, it was nothing compared to his mother’s, but after a week being away of his friend and coming back to Hoseok arms enveloping him in a bear crutching hug was something that he would never trade for anything in the world, it was enough.

At least for now it was enough to keep him alive.

Because it was Hoseok arms.

The first person to hug him when he was falling apart.


	6. Chapter 6

Hoseok hugs were always like coming back home.

He had barely entered the coffee that he has an armful of an overexcited Hoseok. It was endearing, really, seeing him happy would always put a smile on Namjoon’s lips who were already twitching to smile.

His hugs were always warm, tender and a little too tight.

Like a brother wanting to crush you between his arms and never letting you go until a complain would pass your lips.

But Namjoon would never complain, on the contrary, he always hugs the other back, a little less tightly but with as much happiness.

“Joonie ! You’re here! I missed you so much!” the other said enthusiast and laughing in delight, arms wrapped around him. He moved away a little, enough to face him and looked at each other’s.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” He said a big smile taking over his face, before hugging him one last time and letting an impatient and complaining Seokjin taking his place.

The elder’s hug wasn’t as suffocating as Hoseok, but they were enough to wanting to get free from his arms even if a large smile was taking over his face.

“How was your holiday?” Seokjin asked, moving away, broad shoulder covered in a large pink sweater that Namjoon would never wear himself but was strangely fitting the other.

Seokjin had been Hoseok friend. When he had join there high school, Seokjin was already in last year, he didn’t stay with him a lot, with exams and university entrance the older was never free and certainly not with his strict parents stopping him from any outing with his friends, but Namjoon had meet his brother.

At the time, the younger of the group was in middle school always waiting for Seokjin outside the walls of the high school, he would always see the older put an arm around the little boy who wasn’t even taller than Seokjin shoulder, small and thin, with doe large eyes, curious and endearing gaze, and Namjoon had feel something in him to protect the boy, until he knew they were brother.

Two brothers like him and Tae Tae.

It had been years since he had seen a picture of his Tae Tae, but that night he has been drowning in memory of him, he had cried that night, sobbing quietly in his pillow trying to not wake up his roommate.

But it hadn’t change anything.

He had joined their little group easily, a complete piece of an incomplete puzzle Hoseok liked to say. He had considered the younger as his brother instantly and had gain Seokjin love the next day.

They were a weird group of friends, but it was his and he would never change them for anything else in the world.

Or maybe he would...

“Good, I would have stay longer if I could.” he answered with a smile. Letting Seokjin moved him inside the restaurant that the older wanted to try since forever.

“We’re glad you’re here back to us, not that we don’t want to take time for yourself but why didn’t you stay longer then?”

 _Because no one want me there_ , he wanted to say but didn’t, instead he asked.

“I was away just a week, you know, it just passes to quickly.” Smiling at the bewilderment in Seokjin face who scoff, he turns to a laughing Hoseok who had already joined their booth.

“What do you mean just, it’s a week, Joonie, seven whole days, one hundred and sixty…”

“I think he know that, Jin” said a voice. Namjoon turn to doe eyes looking at him with a smile, it didn’t stop Seokjin to continue who ignored the other completely.

“Eight hours away from us, you’re the Reason of this group, Namjoon, never doubt that, we’re lost without you.” the older answered.

“It’s true, hyung.”

Fidgeting in his sit, Jungkook was trying to not move toward him, and Namjoon couldn’t help but smile, seeing him trying to ask and fight his shyness.

After so many years, the younger was still shy asking for hugs but Namjoon liked to play with that, but not today, he spread his arms, seeing Jungkook stand up immediately, a happy smile taking over his face.

“Welcome back hyung” Jungkook whisper in his ear gaining at gentle pat in the back from Namjoon.

“We missed you, without you, Jin-hyung is out of control.” Pointing to Seokjin who complain but were ignored by the two.

For all his friends, this time of the year was his _special_ holidays, something that come one time every year when he had to go to his town. He never said why, and they never asked.

He thanks them, with a smile never leaving his face, he takes the sit beside Jungkook who gives him a menu card before taking one for himself.

It was lunch time for all of them, one of their weekly meeting when all of them tried to be free. It was there moment.

He felt Jungkook turning to him after putting down his menu, curious eyes looking at him.

“How was work?”

Work was an assistant therapist job in the clinic. He had started some weeks ago, staying behind a teenager group and listening to them, so far, he hadn’t really participated, even if he wanted to. Being an assistant wasn’t really for him.

“Good, I’ll be in charge of an adult group in three weeks”

Jungkook eyes widen, making him smile.

“Won’t it be hard?” He asked, frowning and turning two the other two who were listening.

“They couldn’t be harder than teenagers.”

And he knew what he was talking about. The teenager he had get, were instable, most of them needed a real medical treatment, but apparently, he wasn’t the one to decide.

So he had asked for being with a group he could have a word to say, even if he would read the teenager files every weeks to see any abnormal details.

“No, I mean, you will be younger than them, would they trust you?”

“I don’t know, but I want to try” _and face my reality once for all_ he thought, Hoseok then asked a worried frown taking his forehead.

“Did you wanted to see So during these group meetings?”

They knew about his therapist section, even if he never said why, they never asked, and he was grateful because he didn’t want them to change their behavior around them.

His section had stopped a year ago, but it didn’t mean he didn’t want to go.

He shakes his head, it was a lie, but they didn’t need to know that their friend was falling apart again. The thing was he was never put together.

“That’s why I want to take them, I already accepted, apparently, they’re would be around my age, so it won’t be a problem.”

A lie, a bland and pure lie.

The server comes taking their order, Hoseok change the subject, talking about a new employee in the restaurant he was working currently, a student in his same contemporary dance class.

“He’s so cute, I want you to meet him, he’s like a fluff ball.”

They laugh and talk, Seokjin teasing about the dancer new crush who denied frantically. Jungkook blushing when he was asked about his which gain a wild Seokjin and a distress Jungkook when the older said he wanted to meet the said crush.

It was relaxing, being here with them, but he never laughs, not once, and they didn’t mind, they never did.

It was a semblance of happiness.

When times to pay comes, Seokjin gives his card to Jungkook who looked at him confused.

“I’m training you when you’ll get your first pay” Making Hoseok laugh over the table. Jungkook sigh deeply taking the card and going to pay, when Namjoon start to stand up, Seokjin put his hand on his shoulder before turning to Hoseok.

“Hobi could you takes Jungkook to university?” Hoseok didn’t ask why and nod, a confused look in his face. When Jungkook return and looked at Hoseok passing his arm around his shoulder, he turns to Seokjin, suspiciously.

“What did you do?”

Seokjin ignore his brother and turn to Namjoon who were looking at him questioningly.

“A walk?” The other nod and they left, Namjoon turning to the other two who was busy trying to decide who would drive.

“How you really are?” The elder asked when they exit the doors.

The sun was hidden behind cloud, shy ray of sunshine peeking trough buildings. They walk slowly, taking his clinic direction.

Namjoon looks at him a moment, trying to understand where this conversation was going and just nod because why he wouldn’t be okay.

“Because it’s those time of the year, usually with classes you can stay home, rest and not see anyone, but you can’t now, so I wanted to make sure that you’re really okay.”

Namjoon had a lump in his throat when the other finish, and he looked at him wide and tearful eyes.

“You would talk to me right, if anything is bad?”

And he wanted to say yes.

The weeks after coming back from his town were always slow.

He would stay in bed most of the time, trying to straighten up his taught.

But sometimes it won’t be enough.

Melancholia, sadness and sorrow would be embracing him, making his breathing difficult, he wouldn’t even know anything about his surrounding, sometimes he would forget why he was crying, silent and forgotten tears flowing down his cheeks.

And in those moment, he wanted his mother arms holding him, telling him what was happening.

But they were never there.

Something he didn’t feels since his 9th birthday.

So it was why he would called his friend after days of being locked up, they never asked why, they never said no when he would asked to meet, and he was so thankful.

Because without them he was always alone and afraid.

But meeting them at the worse of his day didn’t mean he had talk to them, it was a point he couldn’t crosses, not when the fear of them leaving.

Because everyone always leaves.

So he put a fake smile, something he had learn with times and lie. Again.

“Of course, Hyung” He say, looking at the elder who was looking back, expression unreadable.

For a second, fear takes over him, but it fades as quickly when Seokjin smiled. He changed the subject, talking about their future lunch, he stays silent, listening to the other until they reach the clinic.

When they did, Seokjin hug him again, reminding him of a late-night diner to Hoseok’s. He turns away before stopping.

“Oh right, Hoseok would probably talk to you about the little cuty he was talking about, Park something, and the thing was I have to be friend with him but apparently I’m not his type.” He said rolling his eyes.

“So ?” he asked not understanding were this was going.

“So, I want you to be friend with him until do what have to do.” He says with a smile, but a frown takes his face when Namjoon asked.

“Why would I do that?”

Seokjin looked at him straight in the eyes and sigh. Putting his hand on his shoulder and shaking his head, exasperatedly.

“Sometimes, I wonder if you’re really a genius…” he didn’t continue, turning away from him after checking time.

“Never mind, I’ll take matters in hands.”

“What are you talking about?”

The other just wave his hand, leaving him lost and confused. So he just sigh, a smile breaking his face with other antics and enter the clinic.


	7. Chapter 7

It was past 10pm when he left his clinic, the street where full of people trying to catch their train or bus, some coming back from work, other from school of universities.

The night had fall with a sky as black as shadow without any stars, city dark but full of artificial lights coming from restaurant or shop still open. Group of teenagers, some still in uniform were gathered here and there, laughing and happy from their youth.

He sends a text to Seokjin, asking for the best coffee shop he could found around, waiting for an answer back against the wall of the clinic.

The place had closed some minutes ago. Light shutting one by one, and staff and nurses leaving the local together.

But Namjoon didn’t, he was tired, not even physically but mentally, it wasn’t the first time that he was drained of any energy and he knew it won’t be the last, but every time, he would stay by the entrance, sit in front of his favorite pot of white roses that now where just branch and thorn because of the winter.

Time would always pass, slowly until morning would come, and he would stay here, thought running, wild and out of control.

Namjoon wasn’t weak, but he was sensitive, two different things that people tend to be confused. He was sensitive to other stories, sensitive to their distress call but also to their tears.

One of the teenagers of his therapy group had cried. She was just 14, younger that Jungkook who he considered like a little brother, someone to protect and carry on his back, but she was so much younger.

It was always hard to listen calmly, hard to think, that all he could do was listen to them, with open mind and an objective reason, but the thing was, Namjoon listen with open heart too.

The teenager, Sarang was her name, had open herself for the first time, she was among those people who prefer to listen, who stay quiet because they didn’t know when or how to start, who consider that staying quiet was better than asking for help.

It had been a moment of proudness for Namjoon when she talked, a small reserved voice that Namjoon wanted to comfort and encouraged, proud that at least he had been here when she talked for the first time during those moment of vulnerability for all of them.

Because they were, vulnerable, naked in plain sight for everyone to see heir mistakes, their scars and fear. And the thing was, they had to reveal them themselves.

It was a moment of fear, of acceptance.

But then she told them who she was, where she come from, her story, her hope hidden behind scared and trembling words and Namjoon wanted to cry.

He cried, after everyone had left, behind closed door of his stall in the staff bathroom, quietly, a hand in his face, trying to control his thought and tears. But it had been hard.

Listening to others was always draining but it was precious, a moment he hold in his heart dearly because he had a role to play in their recovery, he was the person they had turn to, the person that they allowed to hold their hand during their journey.

If he weren’t just an assistant, if he had knew them outside of their professional circle, he would have hug her at least, she was still too young to face the world to his fullest but older enough to understand that nothing was fair enough.

And it was cruel.

During her story, he taught for a brief second about Tae Tae, with the single question “Did he live that too?”

Because if he did, he wanted him dead, no one, nobody, not a single soul should suffer, and certainly not a child.

At the end of their section, she had tried to meet the girl eyes, tried to send her vibes of gratitude for telling them her story, word that she wasn’t alone anyone, he would have said anything at the moment but she keep her head down and something was telling him that she wouldn’t come back yet, at least not before a long time.

Sometimes, opening up to someone makes you want to run away from the truth.

Something that applied to himself.

He had been angry for a second, because they’re were so much more to do in this world, so much to do for the world to be a better place, so much people to understand and to help, to listen and to looked after, and it seems like he was alone, small and alone in a place where he couldn’t do anything to change. He had been angry at the world, to the devil who seemed to have taken the universe in his hold, but at himself too.

And at that moment, tiredness takes him. Like a truck.

He was filling so tired, his body weighting so much more than what it should, mind numb about everything and he wanted a break, just a moment of break so he had sat down against the clinic, face to the sky.

If he texted Seokjin, it was because he wanted a cup of hot chocolate, something to warm his cold inside and maybe see his friends, but it was too late for a group meeting and he didn’t want to see them just to cheer himself up, they weren’t just his mood lifter.

So he waits for an answer, he wanted to be somewhere where Seokjin could be, where he would ask them to go and they would pass the time.

A place when he could think that they were with him.

The older answer comes 10 minute later, in the form of a text full of heart and kiss emojis, indicating a coffeeshop in a 15-minute walk to the university area, where Jungkook was.

“Because Jimin work there.” he specified making Namjoon sigh with a smile.

The air was chill, colder than the last weeks, snow hadn’t fall since he had come back, but the sky seems to fall down on his shoulder.

He takes small streets, hand in his coat pocket, and half of his face behind his scarf. The walk was silent and quick, the coffee shop was in the main road, wooden wall, and green interior plant everywhere, walls replaced by windows. The place was beautiful and new by the scent of fresh painting still lingering.

The coffee was emptier than what he thought, with just a few students on the booth area, papers and books scattered before them, they weren’t any line to order, just a man with blond hair and a fluffy blue sweater waiting for his order.

He waits behind him, looking at the barista smiling warmly like they knew each other, and Namjoon mind get away again, thinking that if Tae Tae was there, he would be the same age of the barista, still young and full of youth and dream, but he closed his eyes and mind immediately, concentrating himself on the card suspended behind the Barista who was looking at him curiously.

He steps up, trying to ignore the other gaze and order “the sweetest drink” like how Seokjin text was indicating, something he knew would be a pure suicide, but he liked to pretend. Pretend he wasn’t alone.

The guy, plump lips and a sweet eyes smile, giggles, covered hand coming to his mouth.

“It’s a dare?” he asked, sweet and syrupy voice. And Namjoon was sure that if the guy was a drink, he would be what he ordered just now.

“Not really, more an advice” He smile politely. He adds a piece of lemon tart and wait, taking out his phone to thank Seokjin for his “dumbest idea, hyung.”

“Your name?” he looked up to the guy, cup and black marker in hand, looking at him with something different in his eyes. Something that make Namjoon a little nervous.

“Namjoon.”

And maybe he was right saying that it was a dumbest idea, because the guy eyes lit up literally, and Namjoon heart started to jump in his rib cage.


	8. Chapter 8

Files scattered in front of him and mug of the sweetest thing that he had ever drink in his life, his coat and scarf was roughly laying on the other side of the table, scarf almost touching the ground.

Namjoon was reading every detail that he had wrote during those therapy section, it wasn’t something he liked to do, but his jobs force him to safe every “cases” like his professor liked to say.

He was trying to read them with the patient voice, feeling their stories and understanding them better.

Nose scrunching when he would sip his cup, it wasn’t bath, something with milk, caramel and marshmallow but it was so sweat that he was feeling his stomach protest, used to black coffee only.

He put the cup down, sending a quick “if I didn’t have diabetes with your drink” to Seokjin who seems to laugh at his misery.

Namjoon had lost count of hours, reading and noting, trying to finish his cup without protesting to much, it should have been past midnight when the barista comes to his table, a sweat smile to his lips, a little too sweet for him.

“Excuse me, Namjoon-sshi?”

He looked up, started, eyes meeting the other.

“You’re closing? I’m so sorry I didn’t see the time passing.” He stands up, trying to close his file, but the other stopped him, giggling.

“No no, we’re open 24 hours, I’m here to give you this drink.” The barista put a cup down, next to his files, with his name but he didn’t order it and said it, looking at the man questioningly.

“I know, it’s from another customer.”

Namjoon was surprised, looking around to found anyone, it wasn’t that Namjoon wasn’t flattered, but it never happened to him, so he was lost, not knowing what to do, and the barista seems to understand because he smile kindly.

“Just take it, he had already left.”

So it was a man, Namjoon had never thought to be attractive to men… no, he didn’t know he was attractive at all, he never get out other than with his friend, and never tried to even speak to anyone, accepting something like that was new for him, and a little embarrassing, so he smile shyly, feeling his ear hit up and sit back down.

“Thank you.”

The guy just nod looking down at his paper, eyes lighting up and smile never living his face.

His uniform had been replaced by casual tee shirt and jeans, coat covering him from head to toe, he was attractive, Namjoon wasn’t blind, but intimidating.

“Are you a writer?” Pointing to his files, and he brushed, not used to so much attention at the same time. He had never talk to any stranger, at least not longer than a “thankyou” and “goodbye”, it was so unsettling that he didn’t know what to think about it.

A part of him wanted to be left alone, but another one, wanted to prolong this conversation, and this part seems to win.

“Oh no, a therapist, assistant therapist.” He answered shyly, waiting for the pitied eyes that never come. His job wasn’t hard, but being an assistant was something people tend to attach to failure.

And his parents were in those people.

The guy continues, eyes wide and curious.

“It must be so tiring, people tend to forget that therapist are human to.”

And maybe Namjoon fall in love a little.

“You seem to know a little.” Making the other smile kindly.

“Not really, my best friend had been to a lot of therapist when he was a kid, and it didn’t go well sometimes.”

He said it with a sad smile, but the cheerfulness never leaving his face, it was fascinating, reading the other face, his expression open and changing to his every world, like a book with hundreds of words in the same page.

And something about that smile was telling him, that it had been a hard time.

“I’m sorry, he’s fine now?”

“As you and I are.”

Namjoon wanted to retort that he was broken but didn’t, taking the cup in his hand and warming his hands.

The guy gesture to the sit in front of the other with answer in his eyes, and a little hope.

And Namjoon wish to have a patient like him, because looking at the other was as fascinating as looking at the stars in a dark sky.

“Would you mind some company? My shift ended and I’m waiting for a friend to pick me.”

“No, of course not.” He takes his coat and scarf away, looking at the other just looked at him with smile in his eyes, and ignoring the gaze he takes the cup the guy had brought him, still warm.

It was an americano, the smell tell him even before he bring it to his lips, he was surprised that the stranger had picked his favorite by chance but didn’t dwell, sipping it voluntarily after all this sugar, a smile breaking on his face.

“It’s my favorite drink.” He said, putting the cup down.

“So, you don’t like sweet drink?” the asked, putting his elbow on the table.

“I do, but this was to much.” Gesturing to the now empty mug. The smile that takes the guy wasn’t something Namjoon liked, it was full of trouble.

“Um, I’ll remember for the next time.”

He wanted to ask what the other meant, but a buzzing sound stopped him, he looked at the other taking out his phone, and giggling at what was wrote there.

“My friend is here, come anytime Namjoon-sshi.” he said standing up.

And strangely, Namjoon wanted him to stay a little, it was strange, as it was their first meeting and maybe the last, but something was telling him to talk to him.

Maybe he needed to make more friends…

“Thank you, what’s your name?” he asked, smiling when the guy eyes widen, hand coming to his mouth.

“I’m so sorry, I’m Park Jimin” he said hurriedly, bowing down. And Namjoon looked at him wide eyes, he never had thought to meet the other, Hoseok had describe his life a cute fluffy ball but all Namjoon was seeing was something cocky and confident, it wasn’t bad, it was even endearing.

If they had more time, he would have asked who he really was but didn’t say anything. Standing up too, he packed his bag and smiled kindly.

“Be careful on your way home.”

“You too Namjoon-sshi.” The other said with a smile, before waving and leaving the coffee shop, bouncing in his feet.

It makes Namjoon smiles a little, proud that for once, he hadn’t scares someone away.


	9. Chapter 9

Min Yoongi was shivering from the cold. In his haste to get out of the coffee shop, he had forgot his coat in his booth, he had picked his bag in a moment of clarity and the phone was already in his hands but his sweater wasn’t enough to block the winter wind, penetrating his clothes and making him shiver violently, and for that he was cursing Park Jimin.

Yoongi wasn’t late to somewhere, it was nighttime after all, he didn’t even want to take a cab or something, he had run away from the scene going on in front of him.

Yoongi was now in the other side of the road, hidden behind a car, and looking to Jimin directing himself to a table by the windows, cup in hands, and an innocent smile on his face, but Yoongi had years to detect that it was all a lie, his smile was wicked and Yoongi, if it wasn’t for the man of his dream siting there would have kick Jimin in the ass for the poor acting.

When he had seen Dimple, the said men of his dream, he couldn’t have help but blurt in front of Jimin that it was him “It’s him, it’s dimple” awe and fear in his voice. Eyes following him to the booth he was sited now, he should have kept quiet and look at him discreetly.

But it was the first time Yoongi was this close to the other, and Yoongi being shy and whipped couldn’t help but sit in a booth far away and keep looking at the man who keeps his thought running wild.

It was creepy, really, he was the first one to admit it, but he couldn’t help it, Dimple was someone you just couldn’t not look at. He was type of person that you have to look twice in the street just for the pleasure of your eyes.

And maybe his eyes were lingering a little too much because he caught Jimin smirking at him, and that was certainly not a good sign.

He saw the younger takes out his phone and his own vibrating in his pocket a moment later, and Yoongi knew he shouldn’t have, but when it concern Dimple, Yoongi never thought straight ad apparently it won’t happen anytime soon, certainly not when Jimin had been a witness to that too many time.

 _“His favorite drink is americano right?”_ he read in the screen of his phone before looking up at Jimin with an Americano already in his hands, and ready to cross the counter, it takes 2 second for Yoongi to understand and fly away.

And maybe Yoongi should have been worried that Jimin remembered every of his rant when he talk about the way Dimple drink his afternoon coffee, or maybe not with how much he talk about it, but at the moment had just think to not be seen by the other, heart beating to fast for his liking.

And now here he was, cursing Jimin and his damned confidence and smirk and flirt…

Why was he flirting ??

He looks at the other siting down in front of Dimple, and Yoongi paled, from fear that he would say something he shouldn’t, heart hammering he takes his phone, calling Jimin immediately who just looked at his phone screen and giggle.

And Yoongi wanted to kill him, eyes sending dead glare to Jimin, he knew the younger was cute, someone had to be blind to not see it, but he was a demon disguise in angel and maybe he was being too obvious in his flirting.

It wasn’t that Dimple wouldn’t be attracted by Jimin, at this point they were no one not attracted to Jimin, he would have bet his entire fortune, even he was poor, that there were not a single human in this earth not able to like Jimin, girl or boy.

But Dimple was everything, he was handsome, beautiful, and had a cute smile, and… and maybe Yoongi wanted Dimple for himself.

He sigh, rejecting his call with a pout, maybe he should stop that, he wasn’t even equal to Dimple in any way… he was short, and not really cute, he wasn’t even handsome… he had a lot of baggage in his shoulder, he wasn’t someone anyone would look at… Certainly not Dimple, the man was way out of his league.

And Jimin could like him after all, his smile said it… and looking back at them, Dimple smiling and Jimin bowing, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that they looked good together.

Maybe too good.

His pout intensified, tears starting to form in his eyes, maybe he was being too stupid, but when he see Jimin get out of the cafe, smile still there and giggling when he see him, eyes shining and happy… Yoongi had the urge to cry.

It takes just a few second for Jimin to face him, happiness still there, but Yoongi had his eyes on the coffee shop where Dimple was leaving, face behind his scarf and a smile lingering on his face.

“Hyung, your man is..” Jimin stopped seeing the tears now striping down his face. Yoongi wasn’t a crier, he would swear it, but Yoongi was sensitive and maybe a little too much.

But he was a One and Only type of person, his heart was always to one person, he had only one friend, one best friend and it was his brother himself, and one love in the name of Dimple, he may love too much, and maybe that was why imagining Jimin and Dimple together was too much for him.

“Hyung, I’m sorry I ... I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry...” but Yoongi just shakes his head, not trusting his voice to say something, he didn’t even know how to say it, or what to say, he was just… sad.

He loved Dimple so much that it was hurting him imagining him with anyone else.

He let Jimin hug him awkwardly, something that his brother always does, and maybe he needed him.

“I need Taehyung” he whispered, voice broken and trembling. He feels Jimin nodding in his shoulder, moving away and taking his hand.

“I’ll take you home” His car was down the road, small and red, something the two brother had always made fun of and Yoongi would always complete before taking a sit, but at the moment, he didn’t say anything, showing to Jimin how much he was upset.

He let Jimin fastening his belt when he didn’t move, trying to chase the tears with his sweater paws.

The way home was quiet but warm compared to the outside world, Yoongi eyes were turned to the road and head on the backseat, but here and there Yoongi sniffling was heard, he hadn’t stopped crying, he just couldn’t seem to control his tears anymore, when the car stopped, he whisper, eyes looking down and hand already on the handle of the door.

“I’m not mad at you… for the coffee.” he didn’t say anything else and get out of the car, walking straight to his building with hurried step, he just needed Taehyung arms and words, the younger always know what to say.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the late update, it won't happen again, i promise.  
> Let me know what you think of this chapter in the comment ^^

Yoongi had barely removes his shoes that Taehyung had taken him in his long arms. He didn’t know how the younger had seen his tears or his state, but he didn’t complain, hugging the younger back and sniffling in the other neck.

It happened before, Taehyung helping him taking off his coat or shoes but those time, he would be too drunk to do it himself, and maybe that was why he never really see the worry in his brother eyes, but now that he was lucid, he could see the other eyes widen in concern and it makes him cry harder.

Thinking that he was a bad hyung so many times before and without knowing it set him on edge, and he wanted to apologize for all the worry he makes the younger go through.

He hated making Taehyung sad, worry or letting go through any negative feelings, he wanted the younger to always smile and that was why when he had seen how his habit was hurting him, he had seek help.

His brother was an angel disguise in a human body, pure and happy and so beautiful inside out, and Yoongi didn’t want to see any discomfort on his face or heart.

But now seeing the worry full blown on his brother face, it was upsetting.

They walk to the couch, Taehyung sitting him down and looking at his face a moment.

“You’re not drunk” He stated with his deep and calm voice, moving away to sit next to him.

“What happened?”

And Yoongi tell everything about the coffee shop, how Dimple was there, how Jimin had given him a cup, their flirt, their smile, and what Yoongi was thinking about all of it, when he finished, he was curled around himself, eyes down and hand fidgeting with his sweeter paws.

“And your crying because you think Jimin is interested in Dimple?”

The older nod, tears still flowing down in silence, he was trying to resign himself that he couldn’t think of dimple anymore, but the more he was telling himself that, the more he didn’t want to let go.

“Are you stupid ?” the younger exasperate voice comes making him looked up, seeing Taehyung was looking back at him dead in the eyes.

That was the thing about Taehyung, he could be an angel, but he would never sugarcoat stupidity. And maybe Yoongi was being stupid, otherwise his brother would never be this frank, Yoongi knew he would never put someone at ease when he was in the wrong.

He was blunt and harsh but truthful, but it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.

He curled more around himself, mumbling under his breath “But what if they like each other?” and he felt Taehyung sigh deeply.

“Did Jimin said so ? Did he insinuate something like that ?” he asked, and Yoongi wanted to say yes, the younger smile was enough to say it, but in the moment, he was to caught in his head to really see anything. So he just shrug, eyes down and pouting, now understanding that maybe he had been to stupid.

“I didn’t even let him talk…” He whispered, and he was feeling awful about it, maybe he should have thought before doing anything, but when it comes to Dimple Yoongi was always all over the place, letting his head caught him, and acting before thinking.

“Then, I’ll call him over now and we’ll see.” Taehyung decide, already taking his phone out of his pocket.

And Yoongi wanted to say no, guilt already growing in his stomach, but instead he takes the phone from Taehyung hands and call Jimin with his own phone instead. He felt the younger smile from the corner of his eyes but ignored it when the rings stopped.

Jimin answered after the first ring, like the other already had his phone in hands, and maybe it was the case knowing the younger.

“Hyung…” comes his voice in a whisper, clouded by something Yoongi was already cursing himself for, he wanted to apologize but instead he asks, a little hesitantly.

“Are you close Jiminie ?”

Silent answered his question and then with the same voice, if not a little ashamed. “I’m still parked, hyung.”

“Can you come? Please…” He waited for the _Yes_ , feet fidgety, and already wanting to throw the door open, but he waits, and when Jimin answered, he let his phone fall on the couch before going to the door.

It takes a few minutes for the younger to come, a little breathless from running up the stairs, but Yoongi hugged him immediately not caring about the sweet clinging to him.

If Jimin wouldn’t have start to apologize for something he didn’t know about, Yoongi wouldn’t have moved away and see the younger tearful eyes, but not spilling down. It was heartbreaking to see Jimin in this state, the younger was prideful, never letting anyone see his tears, and the sight makes Yoongi heart ache, because it was because of him.

Jimin had always makes sure to never upset anyone, to think that the younger had makes his favorite hyung cry was something he couldn’t live with, he had stay parked, mind reeling, thinking about what to do after he had send a text to his best friend that Yoongi needed him the next second the older had left the car, he waited a test from Taehyung that everything was okay before going home, something that could calm Jimin down but he wasn’t expecting Yoongi calling twenty minute later, it had been reassuring if not a little scary.

“Please don’t cry, I’m the one whose sorry, please…” Yoongi say, hugging him again when he didn’t know what to do or say, he takes the younger hand, going to the couch where they sit down still staying close to comfort the each other. The sight makes Taehyung smile who takes picture from the side that he would probably use for blackmailing, but it was something the other two didn’t need to know.

“You should talk hyung” Taehyung said, seeing that the two were still lost in their past thought to say anything else, and Yoongi breathe deeply, before retelling everything like he had did with Taehyung, but it didn’t give the same reaction. Jimin moved again, eyes red and wide looking at him with a frown deepening his forehead every passing second and cry out.

“You make me upset because of that, hyung !?”

“I’m sorry ! But you were so beautiful together, and you were happy and maybe...” he felt tears gathering in his eyes again, but he blinks many time, calming himself.

And Jimin see it, which, calm him down a little, enough to sooth his voice to not stress the older more and takes his hands.

“Hyung, I would never do that, you know me, why would you even think that ?” he ask frowning.

Jimin was starting to think of a real talk when they all would forget about today, Yoongi was a mess of feeling and emotion when in concerned Dimple, and looking at it now, he didn’t want a repeat of this day ever again.

“You were flirting !?” And Jimin understand, a sigh deeply looking at the older frowning cutely.

“Really hyung ? It wasn’t even flirting! I just helped you!” he wasn’t upset, but thinking about how he had panicked, he should have thought of what the older was thinking.

Taehyung, knowing that they won’t be more tears now, went to the kitchen to make them hot chocolate because it was their drink after so many emotions.

His attention get back to them when he hear Jimin laugh, bubbly and amused, and like that all the previous worry seems to have disappeared, it had always been strange in Taehyung eyes, how the three of them could forget everything in a matter of second with a simple sorry and apologize, and he liked it that way.

He continues listening to them bickering, Jimin laugh filling the apartment, and Yoongi whining here and there, it was peaceful after the longue silence of the day.

When the hot drink was ready, he put marshmallow in them, adding caramel syrup for Jimin’s like how he liked it.

The living room had been changed in a small sleep over, the couch put aside, blanket and pillow scatter on the floor, Jimin already under one and tending his hand for his mug, that Taehyung gives with an exasperate shake of his head.

Yoongi was gushing again about how Dimple smile was beautiful again, detailing every aspect of shadow and light reflecting on his face, something that the two of them had listen at least a hundred time before, but every time Taehyung would be surprised at how Yoongi could describe the other so carefully when he was avoiding him like the plague.

To tired to deal with a passionate Yoongi, he interrupted him, not even trying to hide his cheeky smile when his bother sends him a glare.

“When will you decide to ask for his name?”

Because it was a thing to be in love with someone, but not having a name was something Taehyung couldn’t think of, but apparently it wasn’t Yoongi priority.

“I could never speak to him !? He’s just so beautiful and so amazing, I couldn’t even approach him!”

And maybe he was exaggerating, but he really didn’t want to be seen by Dimple, never, Yoongi had been careful every time their path crossed, and he would continue to avoid him until the end.

“Before you continue…” Jimin said, a devil smile taking over his face, and Taehyung knew what was coming already smiling at the thought. “I have his name.”

And Yoongi eyes widen, turning to the younger with pleading eyes, he wanted to ask but his heart was already a wildfire by now and making the younger laugh in delight when a pout form on his lips.

“But I won’t say it, you will have to ask yourself, where is the fun otherwise ?” sending a kiss to the older who frown, siting back with his pout deepening.

“Then I will die not knowing anything.” He grumbles, arms coming to takes a pillow against his chest and hugging it.

And he will, he would never ask Dimple, he just couldn’t face the other, not now at least, not when Dimple could see him anytime in the clinic where Yoongi was a patient.

And Yoongi didn’t want Dimple to know his weaknesses, it was something he had learned that would repel anyone, and Yoongi didn’t want Dimple to know that he had to seek help from anyone, maybe it wasn’t sane thinking that, but he didn’t care, he had never love before but know that in love you should makes some sacrifice, and if he had to hide his weaknesses from Dimple, he would do it all his life.

_Just a little longer, please, let me meet him when I finish my section, please, please, please…_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE READING, there’s a little change in the story that I don’t have enough time to change in the actual story. Our Joonie ISN’T an assistant Therapist, he’s in PROBATION (let’s say it’s possible for this job) and now he’s ACTUALLY being promoted.  
> I’m really sorry for this changing, but after some research, I realized that I used the wrong wording to describe it.  
> Thanks for reading and again, you can correct me anytime.

Namjoon was a kid when his therapy started because after many nightmares and insomnia started when he couldn’t sleep from fear.

In the beginning the words “It’s my fault” had been anchored in his mind, so much that until his teens, he had changed many therapists and lost many friends.

But at fifteen, when he tried to adjust to Seoul, he met doctor So, a woman younger than what she seems with grey hair and wrinkled face. And through her, he learned that every remedy isn’t just a balm, that sometimes people who heal others, had to be healed to.

That was how, at 15 years old, Namjoon wanted to become a therapist, someone other could rely on. He had experience firsthand how sometimes therapist couldn’t be good enough, how they could be just professional and cold.

That’s how for the first time Namjoon reaches for a hand, asking to be held.

It takes him time, he had seven past years to undo and put balm on, years of silence to put words on.

And it had been longue, painful and full of distress. He had passed crisis after crisis, takes so much drug at night to just gain a few hours of sleep that often wasn’t even enough.

But finally, at 23 he was free.

Not completely, he was still a bird being released from his cage who needed to be fed by the one who makes him captive, because he hadn’t learned how to depend on himself yet. Years of self-captivity had put a toll on him, and Namjoon was still learning to walk on his two legs, but he was so much better than before.

For Graduation, he had asked professor So to come instead of his own mother because Namjoon wanted it that way, he had tried years to please his parents, but with time he had also learned that those parents didn’t need him anymore, the one they needed wasn’t here anymore.

“You can fly now Namjoon, you don’t need me anymore.” His professor had said, giving him a pendant a flying bird as a graduation gift, and he had smiled, tears gathering in his eyes, and for the first time it was from happiness.

The gift of speech.

It was what the bird means, that now, he could talk for himself and for others. He had discovered his gift years ago, when he was still learning about himself, about the world and his reality, and during his journey he had learned to express with words.

Words of comfort and reassurance he had yearn so much for.

But even after those words, professor So kept tab on him. And that was how she offer him this job, he was still in probation, he had still tree weeks, but professor So wasn’t really someone to follow the rules, he had learned.

He had taken her own office, different from when he was his patient, but the desk was the same, dark and wooden, heavy with files scattered around, she would never sit behind it, there was two armchair before placed in the center, with a coffee table in the middle, full of magazine, tissue and bottle of water, and a carpet that sometimes Namjoon wanted to deep his toe in.

Everything was different, the furniture wasn’t the same, and files was still out, but it had the same comforting atmosphere.

It had been a week now, since he was officially a therapist, he was sited behind his desk, the files given open in front of him, he had 9 patients in charge, all of them addicted of something, most of them was by the end of their sections.

The notes feeling the pages were cold, like it should be, nothing personal, just words on paper.

 _“You can’t attach yourself to your patient, they’re just cases.”_ His professor in university had said so many times that it was engraved in mind, but for Namjoon they were Human to, and that was something professor So had taught him.

And he found it, notes here and there from professor So, warm and kind, notes that he read attentively, wanting to follow her lead.

He had barely finished reading everything that his phone buzzed again for the tenth time since the beginning, the guys wanted a lunch date, something they would do time to time, but apparently him being promoted was a big deal.

He knew it was more to see each other, but it put a smile on his face, nonetheless.

So he close the files, leaving it on the desk knowing he would need it again. Standing up to takes his coat, he checks his wallet and keys, before taking his phone who ring this time.

“I’m getting out, Hyung.”

“You forget that we had to meet like twenty minutes ago.” He checks the time and wince, he was late. A little too late.

“I’m sorry, I’m coming, you can order for me, I’ll be there by then.” He hangs up, putting his coat on and getting out.

The weather was colder, small snowflakes falling and melting immediate on the ground.

It was just the start of winter, December had come faster than he would have think, bringing back with it stand of food that smell delicious. He stopped to a bungeoppang one, mouths watering with the smell.

When he was a child, he remembered Tae Tae eating them whenever he would bring some at home after a day of wandering the town, they would be filled of red beans paste, still warm and sweet in their mouth, and the memory makes him wanted to eat some.

But feeling his phone buzz again, he buys ten of them before going down the road, they had chosen a barbecue restaurant that Seokjin seems to love with how much they had eaten there.

His phone buzzed again but this time he takes it out, he had two messages from Hoseok.

_Would you mind for Jimin to come ?_

_It’s okay, if you don’t want to._

Since high school, Namjoon didn’t want anyone in their friends group, not that he was possessive, but he just couldn’t open up, he would be quiet every time one of them would invite someone, he had apologize every time, it wasn’t that he didn’t like it, it’s just that for him, they were the only one to make him happy, they were just four.

So now when one of them would invite anyone, they would ask Namjoon and he would never say no, but at least he had a time to adjust, time to think that he would have to smile even if he don’t want to, being friendly enough to not scare them away, something that the other four had caught quickly and had stop inviting anyone during their outing.

But he had already met Jimin, the guy was sweet and kind, and strangely he had been the first one outside of his friends who hadn’t smile at him with pity. He was certainly a stranger, but Namjoon was ready to take anything at this point so for once he didn’t mind “meeting” a new person.

He just sends a thump up, a little smile lingering on his lips when he read the other excited reaction and before put his phone in his pocket.

Eyes wandering on the sky, and feet taking him to his only source of joy.


	12. Chapter 12

Jimin spot him first, with a bright smile taking over his face and shaking his hand with a glint in his eyes. The gesture makes Hoseok turn to him with a sheepish smile, a little dressed up with his sweat pant replaced by a jean and a white tee shirt, defining his body structure, and Namjoon understand what Seokjin means a few weeks ago when his best friend turn Jimin with the same glint in his eyes like he had with his high school crush.

_So that what Seokjin means…_

He comes to them, taking off his coat and smiling warmly to Jimin who seems a little brighter for a simple lunch.

“So you’re this Namjoon.” He said something in his voice makes Namjoon shy, duking his head siting down next to a quiet Jungkook playing on his phone, he didn’t ask, but felt the tension on his shoulder and glance at Seokjin who perk up, looking straight at Jimin with eyebrow raised up.

“You know something that I don’t.” Making Jimin burst out laughing, his hand coming on his mouth cutely, and even Namjoon admit that it was hard not to fall for him.

“I know something you don’t.” The shorter nod, zipping his mouth with a grin, eyes in crescent.

Turning to Hoseok who was looking at the two of them with a frown, and Namjoon really hope that it wasn’t jealousy because to what he could see, Jimin didn’t seem to notice his friend effort.

“He comes to my coffee shop a few days ago, I don’t know if you remember me.” He said turning to Namjoon, and Namjoon wanted to say that it was hard to forgot him, when he was the first person to talk to him freely after so long but instead, he just smiles.

“I remember”

Jimin was a happy and optimistic person, laughing and asking question, interest clear on his face to anything he would hear, in Namjoon opinion he was the best host, someone that anyone would invite in their parties.

Namjoon would listen to him too, liking his calming voice. He had a way to talk, making every words interesting, and Namjoon wanted to have a conversation with him, a real one, about the world and human, but he know damn well that it was the part where most people seems to just don’t want to be close to him anymore.

When their order come, conversation died down a little, noise of plate and cutlery mixing with the restaurant’s. Jungkook who was quiet since the beginning eat slowly, playing with his food and never looking at anyone, and Namjoon wanted to ask, but a gaze from Seokjin makes him change his mind.

Seokjin was a protective brother, if not an anxious one, and sometimes he could take his role of older a little further, like making sure that Jungkook was eating well every lunch, it was cute. Certainty how Jungkook would eat happily and finish everything without complain, a happy smile on his face.

But seeing him now, it was strange for him to not touch anything.

Under his gaze, he felt Jungkook tense, but didn’t look up at him, chewing slowly on the same piece of meat, resolute to ignore everyone.

He didn’t really paid attention to the conversation, didn’t knew when it turned to him, but when he heard his name, he turned to a smiling Jimin, and the smirk on his face wasn’t something he felt comfortable with.

“Hoseok said you were promoted?” voice dripping like honey.

“Yeah this week, I’ll replace a colleague for some months.”

Jimin eyes lit up but didn’t said anything about it, instead he asked something Namjoon never knew how to answer, not when his friend seems to like the person.

“Why did you become a therapist?” He felt Seokjin glare at Jimin and something in it felt like it wasn’t about the question anymore.

Normally, he would answer truthfully, that he had himself been in therapy, and every time, he would be put aside like someone weak, that was the think with people like him, they were considerate weak and sick, it was seeking help was unthinkable, that every human should be born with the capacity to deal with themselves alone, and people tend to forgot that sometime, we just need an ear to listen who won’t judge them.

He really wanted to lie, he could see how Hoseok liked him, fidgety on his sit and sending glance at the other every moment with something he couldn’t describe, but he couldn’t not with what his job give him, so he said it, already waiting for the disgust look on the other face like he would be nothing.

“I was in therapy for years, I just felt to give what I was given.”

Jimin look at him a long moment before saying.

“I felt like I said something I shouldn’t but, … don’t be ashamed of your past, hyung, I can taste the resignation in your voice, I know someone who had been trough a lot too and seek help too and there is nothing wrong with it, you shouldn’t ever think of yourself any less because of that.”

And Namjoon would have cried, feeling hot all over, and looking down on his plate, not knowing what to say.

“And I’m sorry if I crossed any line, I may be blunt sometimes.” The add in a small voice that makes Namjoon looks up, trying to stay calm with a strained smile on his face.

“It’s okay.”

It had been the first person to not give him a negative reaction, the first to look at him with anything other than pity and disgust, and Namjoon was relieved, that maybe he could be himself, completely, without being ashamed.

He don’t talk much for the rest of the meal, looking down on his hands crushing his chopstick, he felt the others gaze sometimes, but didn’t said anything, laughter and conversation filing the table again, at some point Jungkook nudges him, not looking at him and wanting to say something with a frown but just sigh, turning away.

So he asked instead, with a small smile that he hoped was reassuring.

“Do you want to leave?” Because he wanted to, but would never said it, knowing how the three would be worried after, so he hoped that Jungkook wanted to, and seeing him nod with eyes wide makes his sigh internally, he pat his knee and turned to the others, crossing Seokjin gaze that he ignored.

“We’re leaving, I have to accompanied Jungkook.” He didn’t say anything else, feeling Jimin gaze, and looks up to see the frown and pout that makes Namjoon smile.

They bid their goodbye, Jungkook already at the door when Namjoon put bills on the table for all of them “because it would be my first pay.”

In the way out, neither Jungkook and him said anything, the two of them too deep in their thought, walking through street in silent but after a moment he felt Jungkook arm around his shoulder and a sigh coming from the other.

“We’re a lost cause Hyung, you know that?” And Namjoon knew, because they wouldn’t have befriended him if they weren’t.

Like Professor So like to say, _if you can’t find someone special to you, find someone like you, he would become special with time._


	13. Chapter 13

Namjoon had never come here and had never wanted to.

The crematorium was completely empty, it was fifteen minutes before midnight and two weeks before the new year.

He had arrived hours ago, parking his car in front of the building but the courage had left him when he had seen people entering and leaving the place, he had wait in the car since then, thinking and trying to calm himself, eyes lost outside and heart pounding in his chest.

He never wanted to come, in the last years, he had avoid calling his mother in period of the year when he knew she would be here.

He would even put his calendar face down, avoiding looking at it the closer the end of the year would come.

But since a few days, something in him was telling him that it was time.

Time to let go.

It’s not that he wanted to forget, he could never, this part of his life was anchored in him, and it wasn’t either the wish to finally live his own life because for him he had none, but there was this feeling of restriction in his heart, enveloping it since a few day, something he wanted to broke an set free.

Like a growing lion wanting to be freed.

He didn’t why it had started, he had deal with his himself since that day, and never he had wanted to come here, never he had ever accepted that part of his reality, it was place he was avoiding since day one.

But even if he knew that this strange feeling had started since he had been promoted, it didn’t lesser anything.

He had thought in the past week that maybe, it was his subconscious telling him to let go, to makes himself better before being a help to anyone.

And maybe it was the case, even if Namjoon didn’t want to be freed from anything.

He wasn’t leaving like everyone, he knew that, any sane person would never want to carry voluntarily his guilt all his life, but for once, he wanted to slowly be someone who wouldn’t be wrapped in his past, even when he knew he had no right to think like that.

But he wanted to taste life.

The real one, like everyone seems to live it.

Like his friend were leaving it.

He wanted to see the world like he really was, not like he had seen it since his childhood.

The ride here had been death silent and full of memories, hand gripping tightly the steering wheel and eyes never leaving the road.

He could have ask to one of his friends to come, and really for the first time he had wanted them close to him during his most vulnerable moment, but none of them knew anything about his past, and for a mere second he had think to say it, all of it, let them look at him with pity too, to face his own reality, but in a moment of clarity he had thrown his phone against the window where he still was, broken and in pieces, like his heart.

So here he was, alone, but it was worst.

The loneliness.

Walking alone in the quiet corridor, with for only noise his step against the floor tile, he felt the cold night penetrated under his clothes. Families had already come before the new year’s festivities, flowers, card and picture slowly filling the niche, odor of fresh flower in the air but strangely it was like the place was abandoned even with the passage of people.

Like anyone didn’t want to face the death at night, when the world was hiding behind the shadow of the moon.

But Namjoon liked it that way, when they were no one to see, just him and the reality.

He stopped in front of an urn placed in a part of the place where people tend to come a little less and tend to forgot by the urns a lot older, but the one in front of him was well taken care of. It had a picture which drown Namjoon eyes immediately, of a small 3 years old kid, laughing with a rectangle smile to the camera, eyes in smile and red and round cheeks.

“Hi Tae Tae.”

The urn had his entire name, the picture had been here since the start it seems, they were a stuffed toy too, that he recognized immediately being his brother favorite one, a red heart with yellow lips, that he remember had the name of Tata, the color was washed out and some part were unstitched but the toy had keep his form.

They was a drawing too, that he couldn’t point what it was, and a bouquet of flower, dried and withered.

He looks at the picture a long moment, remembering where it had been take and how his father had been proud to have been able to have Tae Tae in a picture, his little brother was a ball of energy, never staying in place and so there wasn’t much picture of him when he was really smiling at the camera accept this one.

Breathing deeply, he takes his letter out of his pocket, sliding it against the window, blinking back tears that had gather since he had seen the picture.

But as he tried to not cry, hand trembling from emotion, a tear escaped, silent and so lonely.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t come before…” he whispered taking another breath to calm himself, but it didn’t do anything.

“I want … I didn’t …” he stop looking up the celling before continuing voice broken.

“I couldn’t, I’m sorry.” he felt more tears escape, striping down his cheeks, escaping like they had been locked up for too long.

And maybe they were.

“I hope that wherever you are, you’re okay.” he continues, looking back at the picture, where Tae Tae smile continue to look back at him.

“You have to be okay Tae Tae, because us… we aren’t.” He whimpered, hand coming to the window and caressing it, the sensation to want to touch him was so much that he let his hands close in a fist.

“None of us is happy…” He sobs, letting his tears fall freely now, not able to control himself anymore.

“I hope that… if you’re really here… you didn’t suffer… that you didn’t call for eomma… because it would have made you so sad that they were no one to save you…” he continue, voice pleading and forehead coming against the window, touching the cold surface.

“I’m so sorry Tae Tae… I’m so so sorry for everything…” He cried harder not able to restrain every emotion passing through him, it was like a dam exploding, so he let go entirely, sobbing and crying with his entire body trembling.

“P-please, be h-happy… you… you have to be happy… I’ll have to live… for you... B-but I can’t i-if you aren’t happy…” continue knee falling to the floor, head down.

He felt himself loose completely control over himself, lose the little sanity he had in him, and it was scary…

“I-I’ll try t-to smile har-rder, a-and I’ll t-try to laugh o-one day, I promise… t-to call eomma more, a-and I’ll try to f-found ap-pa and say s-sorry for once, I’ll do the job of the t-two of us, I promise…” he cry out desperately.

“I’ll s-survive, I … I promise… I leave my life… I’ll stop p-pretending… I just… I… ” he stopped, voice not wanting to form in his mind, crying so hard that his body was trembling from it, and he was feeling himself slip in his head, the one where he just wanted Tae Tae next to him, but this time it was different.

Like Tae Tae was here, like Namjoon could sense him, it wasn’t the case, Namjoon knew internally that it was just his brain playing with him, but he takes it, the memory of a three years old Tae Tae caressing his hair like when Namjoon was a child crying after having a bad grade.

He takes the memory, filling himself with it, calming his poor heart with it, feeding himself, and his starved heart with just that, with something that didn’t exist, like a starved man having just air to fill his stomach.

And it hurt, knowing that it wasn’t real.

It hurt so much.

“I want to see you… so please… wherever you are, wait for me... maybe not now…” he whispers, eyes close and forehead on the wall, words coming slowly from his mouth.

“But in a few years, or decade… I want to see you, and say sorry… and maybe… maybe hug you if you let me… I know you will let me even if I left you alone that day.”

He breathes deeply, tears flowing silently, voice still shaken but he just wanted to let out what he wanted to say looking up at the urn.

“And if… if you’re alive…” He whimpers eyes on the empty urn that had never contain anything other than the shadow of someone missing.

“If you’re still here… please god, please… I beg you to let me see him once… just once… I’ll give anything in exchange… I’ll do anything, just… just once… let me see him once” He put his forehead on the wall again, crying harder after a sob left his mouth, cry of agony escaping his throat.

But they were no one to answered, no one to put a balm on his bleeding soul.

As always he was alone.

With his own shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry… Don’t hate me  
> I should have maybe warned you for the crying because I personally cry writing it…  
> I won’t promise that they wouldn’t be again a chapter like this one because i’m still writing the story, but in case, I hope you have a stock of tissue…, you will need it…


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if some of you need to talk, or help or anything, i let you contact me in my twitter @MaryByYou  
> I'm always here for anything, sometimes its most comforting to talk to a stranger than your own family member, and i know something abut it.  
> So feel free, i don't bite ^^

Namjoon was a nervous mess since the day had started. He had left his bed with stiff muscles, groaning while preparing himself for the day, mostly by muscle memory than actually choosing to think what he was doing.

He hadn’t sleep all night, turning and turning in his bed mind reeling and making himself nervous, when he had tried to close his eyes, they would open on her own accord and so at some point he had abandoned the idea to sleep at all, counting second and minute before he could start the day.

He hadn’t even taken his breakfast, walking straight to the clinics with a stiff body that he wanted to throw in the Han river himself.

But not today, today was his big day, it was his first official day as a therapist.

First day when he would finally meet his “patient”

And Namjoon wasn’t handling his stress really well, in fact he wasn’t handling it at all.

Dealing with teenager was simple, he was older and teens had automatically this presence to show a certain level of respect, or at least to consider him as someone they could rely on, but with adults, people who were older than him it was another story, and they were.

In the least of patient he will take care of, half of them were older.

Namjoon could be a genius, and maybe graduate two years before his age, but it wasn’t about being better, but more if he could have his patient trust, if even with his age and experience, they could let him help them, that was why he was now hesitating in front of the clinic.

Was it a good idea ?

Does his patient would felt disrespect to be take care from someone younger than them ?

Self esteem and self-respect were something Namjoon wanted them to learn first, as he had learn it himself from professor So, and being treated by someone younger could be something disrespectful for some of them, even if most of his patients was in their end of their therapy and probably don’t even need him.

But yet again, professor So had recommended him herself, she had trust him with her own patient, he didn’t even know why him, but she did.

And for that Namjoon couldn’t let her down, so he breathe deeply, many time before entering the clinic, calming himself and repeating again and again like a mantra

_I can do it, I can do it, I can do it_

He prepared his office quickly, making sure that everything was in place for the comfort of his patient, he wanted to make sure that anyone could felt in ease, hating have the feeling of being just in a medical cabinet where even him couldn’t relax.

When he felt that everything was in place, files put aside and armchair turn to the room, it was time for his first patient to come.

It was a 19 year old girl, drop out of high school and leaving alone, addicted to any substance that could calm her anxiety, she was a lot nervous than he had been before, keeping his eyes down, and hand fidgety in her lap, and Namjoon never forgot to smile gently, trying to make her at ease.

“It’s because don’t know you.” and he looks up from his diary where he wrote everything said down, an item that he hated with a passion, making him feel like the people in front if him were just subject for science, but in the time of his probation, he had learned that it makes others at ease, not having the therapist eyes on the patient but on the pepper he had to fill.

“That’s okay, we have all the time for that.”

The day passed a lot quicker that he had hoped, he had taken lunch in his office between appointment, not wanting to lose his state of mind, eating between reading files for tomorrow patient.

I was time like this, when he would forget about his past, would forget who he was and where he come from, he was just someone who was helping others.

Someone that people needed.

By the time of his last appointment, the sun was setting behind the buildings, dawn slowly taking over the sky, it was snowing outside, small snowflakes melting on the ground and on the top of cars, the scenery was beautiful.

When the door opened after a timid knock, he turns to his last patient of the day, already smiling to welcome him.

The guy who enter was smaller than him, blond shiny hair falling on his catlike eyes, button nose and lips shining with what seems was gloss, he had a black fluffy sweeter covering him to the knee making his pale skin stand out, legs covered in skinny jeans and red converse on his feet, he seems younger than all of his other patient, delicate feature looking up at him, but Namjoon knew by his files that he was older by a year.

When their eyes meet, the new comer stopped mid step eyes widening and never leaving his, door still open behind him with his hand on the knob, they looked at each other a moment, Namjoon waiting for the other to enter, but after a long moment of silence Namjoon take a step to him wanted to ask if everything was okay but when he did, the guy let out a sound from the back of his throat, like a whine, and retreat, so quickly that the next second he had disappeared letting the door fall shut behind him.

Lost, Namjoon get to the door, hoping to find him outside, but the corridor was completely empty. He goes to reception, still lost about what had happened, meeting Miss Kim, the reception, eyes.

“Did Min Yoongi left?” making the other nod, raven hair pushed out of his face in a bun.

“Yes, he seems panicking, what happened?”

“I don’t know, he run away when he saw me, does all the patient where informed about the changing?”

“They were, all of them received an email.”

Frowning, he thanks her, getting back to his office, and waiting.

For what ? He didn’t know, but he hoped that Min Yoongi would come back, seeing a new face or knowing that he would have to open to a new person could have triggered a panic attack, it happen to him every time he had to change one too, so he wait, the entire time the appointment should have been.

But Min Yoongi never show up.

That night he didn’t sleep well again, but this time, it was from worry, something that as a therapist he should feel because he wasn’t supposed to be involved closely with any of his patient, but yet again, he was Kim Namjoon.

He never did thing correctly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't have any inspiration, so here a small filling chapter…  
> I'm sorry, don't hate me...

The next two weeks, Min Yoongi didn’t come, he had called the next day asking for two weeks of break for ‘personal reason’, asking if it was possible to change therapist, and Namjoon had been hurt, knowing that even his patient who didn’t know him at all, didn’t want anything to do with him.

He hadn’t dwell on it, trying to stay professional when all he wanted is to call Min Yoongi just to as if everything was alright, but instead, he stay in his office during his patient hour, making sure that Min Yoongi wouldn’t come.

And he never did.

It was now two weeks that Namjoon was staying in the clinics even when he knew that his patient wouldn’t come, but he couldn’t help it, he needed to be here if his patient decide to come, he needed to make sure to be here when anyone would need him.

Basically, he knew that sometime patient just didn’t felt the therapist, it happened with him, more often than not, that he just couldn’t trust his new therapist for whatever reason, and maybe Min Yoongi didn’t felt anything too, but they he had run away didn’t set well with Namjoon, so he waited anyway.

Every day, when his missing patient hour would come, he would sit behind his desk instead of the armchair and would wait for the other to show himself, and slowly it become a habit, always staying behind with hope that maybe Min Yoongi would come, trying to focus on his opened note book in front of him, rewriting what had been said during the last appointment in a better writing

At some point, Namjoon was sure he would never come, he had talked about it to his friend during one of their lunch meeting.

They were in Jimin’s cafe, Jungkook was designed by Seokjin to choose whatever he wanted to order, a way to cheer him up, but for whatever reason it seems to not work at all, the younger hadn’t even throw a look to the card on display in front of him, and that, since Jimin had come to their table.

Seokjin had finally decide to do it himself after to much waiting, filling the table with half of the menu.

Namjoon hadn’t eat a lot, mind always on the clinics with his patient, he knew that he had maybe getting a little to involve with his files, but it was the first time anyone was trusting himself beside his friend.

He asked between bites, still frowning at the thought to lost someone he could have helped.

Seokjin hadn’t seams much concerned, telling him to just wait, and Jungkook had looks at him with such wide eyes that Namjoon just wanted to pat his back protectively.

“He could be shy ? I mean Jungkook hadn’t talked to me in a months after knowing me” said Hoseok, pointing his chopstick to the younger who just pout not looking up at the older.

It was true in a sense, Jungkook hadn’t talk to him too for an entire month when they had first met. So much that Namjoon had thought that maybe the kid just hated him, until he learned later that the younger was just too shy.

“That was because I was a kid, and you were older I was intimidated… ” Jungkook mumbled, his first words since he had enter the restaurant, making Hoseok coo at him and make the younger frown deeper.

Those two were cold with each other since a few days, and it seems Namjoon wasn’t the only one to see it, looking at Seokjin glaring at Hoseok, even if that feeling seems to come more from Jungkook.

He could help but makes a not to talk to him later.

“Kookie, you know as much as me, that it wasn’t the real reason” said Seokjin fixing Jungkook now with a gaze that makes him thinks that maybe he was missing something, soothing really important, and when he turn to a furiously blushing Jungkook, Namjoon couldn’t help himself but think of the word Seokjin had said days ago.

_I’m really not a genius…_

Looking at the shy gaze Jungkook was turn to Hoseok, he couldn’t help but look at the two brothers suspiciously long at each other, the younger with red cheeks and eyes trying to avoid anyone.

It was Jimin who interrupted whatever was happening, voice a little lower because of the silence, drawing all attention to him.

“He will come, hyung, your patient would come, just give him time.” And Namjoon wanted to ask what that was supposed to mean, something it Seokjin expression tell him that ha know soothing more, something that could answer whatever question Namjoon wanted to ask, but Jimin just smile.

“Sometimes, you just need to build courage to face an obstacle, give him time to build that courage.” He wasn’t wrong, so Namjoon just nods, a little settle to at least have a real reason to be patient.

Looking at Jimin smile pleasantly for whatever thought had cross his mind, he saw the other smile turning to something a lot more amused, his eyes never leaved his.

And something was telling him that Jimin wasn’t saying everything he wanted to say.


	16. Chapter 16

The moment Yoongi enter the apartment, he couldn’t help but called for Taehyung immediately, the latter was half asleep in his bed, phone forgotten beside him and droopy eyes looking up at him.

It wasn’t even 6 in the afternoon, too early to have a nap, but again, his brother had started the weird habit to sleep at day and stay awake at night.

The result of his job hunting that was still without any result.

“Taehyung !!! I see him! I see him again! But I can’t do that, please!! Wake up !!”

“Calm down, stop, reset.” Comes the younger deep voice, stopping a frantic Yoongi to remove the sheet from him. He looks up to see his brother red rimmed eyes, cheeks pale and trembling hands, in his sleepy mind it takes him time to understand that Yoongi was panicking.

“Sshh it’s okay, I’m here, come here…” he removed the sheets to gesture for the older to come lie down beside him, the smaller body fit easily in Taehyung bed who covered them with his warm and fluffy blanket, snuggling against each other.

To outsider eyes, their relation might be a little too much, the constant seeking comfort could be a little excessive considering their age, they were adult, grown up and independent adult, who weren’t supposed to cry or panic in any circumstance, but not them.

They had seen life harder than most of the people of their age, Taehyung still remember every little bad details of his childhood, the “why” of Yoongi bad habit with alcohol.

Holding the older, Taehyung makes sure that he was calming down, they only had each other to relay on, and never wanted his brother to pass through panic attacked ever again.

“Now tell me what happened.” He saw the hesitation in Yoongi eyes, it was time for his consultation normally and he should have been at the clinics, he doesn’t ask why he never get there, something might have happened seeing his brother state.

Yoongi would always come back with a better mood, a little lighter, a little cheery, often it would be with the desire to cook together, talking about everything and nothing.

The only reason Taehyung could think of was a certain person.

“Is it about dimple?” When the older nod, it makes the younger a lot better knowing that nothing bad had happened in the way to the clinics so he move away to takes his notebook making Yoongi whine in protest, Taehyung might be his personal cuddler, but he was Yoongi personal biographer first.

At some point when Yoongi crush started to grow in a real love to his brother blindness who couldn’t see his own feelings right, Taehyung had started to write every detail of Yoongi love life, just something to left behind if one day he wasn’t there anymore, something that would makes Yoongi smile and maybe cry by the memories.

They had experienced enough tragedy without anything to hold into.

“Okay start, we were at the moment Jimin gives him an americano.” He read himself, pointing his pen to Yoongi and pushing up his nonexistence glasses in the bridge of his nose.

“Tae, I’ll kill you.” He whispered, feeling betrayed to be the object of his brother entertained stories when he was dying in sadness.

“And I would let you but not before listening to everything, I’m in the middle of chapter 56, so what happened next ?” Yoongi hated being so weak for the younger wicked but harmless smile, he wanted to take everything back, but he sighs, pouting and lying back down against Taehyung pillows.

“Jimin had a so bad influence on you.”

“If you forgot, I’ll remind you that Jimin was influenced by you in the first place.” said Taehyung with one of his eyebrows raised, looking straight at Yoongi waiting for him to tell him wrong.

The younger would have been more concern if it wasn’t for Dimple being the constant mood change of his brother, he had seen Yoongi smile and cry in the same sentence because of that only person, and it had been scary , really.

But even because of that, he needed him to relax first, to makes sure that Yoongi wasn’t feeling any negative emotion, they didn’t need him to fall in the old circle of consistent panic attack all over again.

“I hate you.”

“No, you love me now spill.”

He waits for the older to talk, hand coming to his sweater paws and pout already forming, it takes time for words to slip from his lips in a whisper, talking about his new therapist being Dimple, about how he was there tall and smiling and so handsome and how Yoongi wanted to hug him and maybe being hugged but it was too much at once, too much to handle.

And he whine, a lot.

Shaking Taehyung shoulder abusively after every whine, making the younger whine in return and stepping away trying to note everything with his messy writing when Yoongi had started to talk too quickly.

“Brother, you have to go back, you can’t leave me like that!” said Taehyung interrupting him with a voice that didn’t place any choice for an argument.

“I can’t !!”

“You can and you will.” He turns to Yoongi, notes book still open and filled with black ink.

“I run away, who do that !?” complain the older, hand coming to envelope himself with the sheets, feeling protected with weight of them.

“You apparently, now stop whining, you’re going back there and face him and !” he stop his brother from interrupting him, the other pouting with a sigh.

“And, if not, you will have to tell me why you don’t want him to know about your consultation, what’s even wrong with that?”

“Everything ! Who could love someone who had to seek help ?!” It clicked Taehyung where Yoongi was going with his thought and it wasn’t settling well with him. Not at all.

“Yoongi ...”

“No you know I’m right, no one would want me, just because I have been looking a therapist, I don’t want him to know anything about me, I don’t want him to look a t him like… like other do…”

Yoongi had seen Dimple, the very first day of his sections, had seen him notes in his files during the groups section, had seen him read and smile, see him talk with his hand moving in front of him to emphasize his every words, had heard his gravelly voice from afar. Had seen expression on his face he won’t let other see when he would be in the company of anyone, and Yoongi had fall for him.

Hard and fast.

“If you don’t go back, I’ll be your therapist for now”

“I’ll stay” said Yoongi immediately, sitting up to face him “Be my therapist, please I can’t go back, I have to let him forget that he ever saw me.”

The look Taehyung throw him should have hurt Yoongi pride, but he was desperate at the moment.

If he had been a little courageous, he would have talk to Dimple a lot earlier, would have probably even befriend him if he had one once of courage Taehyung had, but he had his own weakness and doubt, in the end he was just Yoongi.

“Okay, okay, two weeks, two section, but no complaining and after that, you get back there.”

“Deal”

They don’t talk after that at least not about their section, Taehyung making them lie down again with his notebook closed between them. Each of them were in their own thought, eyes wandering on the room.

At some point Taehyung turn to him, eyes shining with the latest gossip he loved to share with him, making them forget everything about the past conversation, like a door being closed behind them.

“Apparently, Jimin had a crush on one of his clients.”


	17. Chapter 17

Namjoon remember that cursed day when everything started like it was yesterday.

He remembered every detail, every face and expression, every word like he was still there, living it again and again.

He can remember the place, the whispers, the gaze, everything that happened.

Even if he tried to forget, his memory had anchor everything in him so deeply that he could never forgot, not even a single second of it.

He had tried to, mostly makes himself a little lighter, to help himself breathe a little easier, but it never happened, never he had forgot anything.

He was 8, too little some would say to remember anything, often he would heard words like “He was to young to remember that day, he’s lucky, it would have been so traumatic if he was a little older !” and oh, there were so wrong.

In fact, he knew that a child memory was just a bunch of reconstruction of his own fears and trauma, if he remembered everything, it was because, he had been forced to remember at that time.

Forced to remember that it was his fault, that he was the last person to have seen him.

He remembered not leaving his mother side, not able to face the world from guilt and shame, refusing to see anyone, to talk to anyone.

Until and adult come to him, it was the only one who wasn’t wearing an uniform, the only one who had crouch down to his eyes level and had talk to him with his attention entirely on him, the only one who looks at him with a smile.

“I won’t hurt you Namjoon, I’m here to find your little brother, but I need your help for that, would you help me?”

And Namjoon couldn’t refuse, the grown up adult in uniform that had come before hadn’t talk about helping him find Tae Tae, they had just ask questions and wait for answer he never give, but him, this person, 8 year Namjoon trusted him.

It was the first and the last time, he ever talks about that day, when he lost his little brother. He tried to describe everything he had done, everything he had seen, everything he had say and everywhere he had went.

Describe for the first time how he had let go of Tae Tae hand entering the park, how he hadn’t check on him until it was time to go home, how he hadn’t seen him after.

His mother wasn’t with him when he talk about it because the man said it was confidential, a word he didn’t know at that time but the man explain it as a secret, that everything he would note in his magic diary was a secret and everything Namjoon would say would be a secret.

That was why he talk without fear of his parents finding out how he had been a bad brother, how he had lost Tae Tae, how he had just care about his friend and playing with them.

How he had been a bad brother.

“Namjoon, we’ll find him, just wait for us to bring him back, until then take care of your eomma, can you promise me that ?” And Namjoon had nod, tears clinging to his eyelashes and livid from his out of control emotion.

He had let himself be cuddle in a warm blanket after that, letting his mother hold him in Tae Tae bed, it had been the last time he felt those arms.

To an outsider, he was maybe behaving like a child and maybe his parents was thinking that too, because even if in the inside, he was broken, he had grow too much and too fast in a few days, had seen something change in his parents eyes to fast, had felt the warm from his mother arm leaves him to fast.

He had felt the loneliness Tae Tae was feeling in a matter of weeks after the men had comes.

Like his parents wanted him to feel what he had makes his little brother feel by abandoning him alone in the park.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone, I’m really sorry for the so late update, I have some issues going on.  
> I hope you’re all safe and sound, stay healthy and please take cares of your loved one.  
> The update will start again for all my au like before (two chapter a week for this one), hope to read you in the comment !

The office was empty, it was Sunday night, the local were dark, lights switched off and silence covering the place for a long time.

His colleague had left long ago too, leaving behind those who work on the night shift, he had stayed behind his desk since his superior had said to close the case, thought roaming around and eyes not focusing on anything.

Officer Jeon had work for the police all his life, had passed weekday and night under those walls, dissecting files after files and making reports after reports. He had done so much here but strangely that day he was feeling like it wasn’t enough.

To someone else eyes, Jeon was a hard worker, would passed long hours behind his desk writing reports or rereading files or behind his steering wheel to go anywhere his current case was taking him, and Jeon did do a lot, he would often call his wife saying he couldn’t get home because of a case, and had even see his children grow up from afar.

This place had become his first home during all those years, where he would fall asleep on papers, or eat breakfast, lunch and dinner in one go to have enough time for finishing a report, he had passed his youth here, had gain his white hair and wrinkles here.

Being an officer was his childhood dream, he had work hard to reach it, had marry after being promoted to his position and even had his children late after making sure it was the right time, but even after all that he never regret anything in his life, at least not when it comes to his personal life. His family knew how his job was asking him too much, his boys grew knowing they won’t see their father everytime, and for Jeon just knowing they were safe was enough.

One thing he had learn in his job was that safety come before happiness, he could forgive himself if his boys or wife wasn’t happy, but he could never if they were in danger, that was why, whenever he had a dangerous case in hand, he would always stay in a hotel during all the time the case would be solved, just to make sure anyone won’t follow him and knew where his family was.

Jeon had saw so much behind those walls, that he had stop counting human crime, in the beginning of his service, he had made a pouch where he would put a coin with every case on his hand, like some reminder about how much had passed through his hands, but year, time, memories, and most of all defeat had made the pouch too heavy to transport it everywhere.

And without wanting to, he had built his life around his job. To that day, everything had been around who he was.

An officer.

He wasn’t retiring yet, he still had a few years before that, but it sure felt like it.

Sighing, eyes on the ceiling, he was seating behind his desk since hours, right hand on the files that had taken half of his career.

That case had been the longer of their district, Inje was peaceful place, where the only crimes were set by thieves or worse alcoholic people disturbing the street peace, it was a place where no one would thought to go home safely, they were no harm, nothing unusual like in cities, that was why what happened here was harder for people to believe.

More than a decade ago, Jeon had been in charge of the case, and since then even with more information, the case hadn’t changed a lot, simply because there was too much silence.

To much “not said” between lines.

It had been sixteen long years, were Jeon had cross all Korea to find anything, had done everything he could, but even with everything, he hadn’t found anything to close it, hadn’t found what he was searching for.

He’s superior had made clear that the files were closing this afternoon, that it was enough, 16 years were too much, even for the person Jeon would have to announce about the closing.

But it was years of research, of history, of effort that would be vain because time was against him since the beginning.

Did he need to really let go ? He had gotten older with that case, had put his blood, sweat and tears in it, had makes a promise he had been so close to answer.

Sighing deeply, he couldn’t help but think that the closer he got to the case, the farer everything was getting from him, like something was passing through his finger.

He was an old man now, greyish hair, wrinkled face, but he sharp eyes still knew where to look at.

He knew that after that closing no one was interested enough about that case to pen it ever again, he knew a lost battle when he saw one, but for him it wasn’t one. Frustrated with himself to haven’t done anything, he tight his hand on the files.

In the beginning, he never thought the case would lead to the mess under his palm, he had never even thought, human could falls so low, but everything written on this files was a proof that there was more, so much more that needed to be discover, so much more children to be saved.

Sighing deeply, he let his shoulder fall, he was so tired, so desperate for on more chance, but in the end, nothing was in his hands anymore, if matter were in his hand he would have never even decide to close it unsolved.

He remembered year ago, how he had crouch down in front of that boy, how he had taken his hand in his and had hug him close with a promise he was now breaking.

Sliding his hand away from the name traced on it, he read the name again, a name that he had read since years, that had become his daily reminder of why he was doing it, for who.

But that day, for a last time, he closed his eyes, tears trying to break free behind his eyelids, and heavy breath leaving his lips, he pushed the files away slowly, like a goodbye.

Heart tracing the name he had tried to find during all those years.

“Kim Taehyung.”


	19. Chapter 19

Namjoon would not have lost hope if he hadn’t received the phone call

Somewhere in his childhood memory, there was the voice of a man telling to wait for his brother, promising him that he would come back.

Even dead.

Growing up he knew that the chance to find him alive was minimal after every new months passing, so he was always prepared for the worst concerning his brother, he just wanted him back, and know what had happened.

That’s why this phone call had broken even this tiny hope he had kept inside of him even after years of wait.

It comes this morning, when the sun was still peaking trough the night, ray of sunshine illuminating the world for a new day, and warmness of the sun slowly covering the coldness of the night.

The moment was like any others, another day alive like a ghost. The only difference was the ringing of his phone, breaking the peaceful morning he liked to pass through.

He had taken his phone with his eyes still half open, siting up in his bed with the comforters around him trying to save any warmness before starting his day. If he would have been a little more awake and seen the caller, he won’t have answered, knowing how everytime he would listen to her voice would make him feel like dying everytime.

But is hadn’t, he wouldn’t have known.

“Namjoon.” He voice was has calm and restraint as he remembers, if not more, like trying to remove any feelings of his voice and control herself.

“Eomma.”

There wasn’t any greeting, small talk had dropped between them a long time ago, but it still hurt to know that she wouldn’t even ask him about his whereabouts. There relation had deteriorated with years, mostly because of their silence.

And the guilt.

“The investigation department in Gangwon called.”

And Namjoon heart stopped, mind freezing complexly before feeling his heart and explode in his chest.

He doesn’t say a word, waiting, hoping, a whimper wanting to live his mouth to heard good words, but what he heard was worst, oh so much worse.

“The case has been closed, unsolved.”

He couldn’t hear after that, blood whistling in his ear and hand coming to his face hiding from his own reflection, in the mirror in front of his bed, the silent tears that had started to fall suddenly.

It was ironic really, looking at the dates later, when he gains enough strength to move from his bed, phone lying on the floor broken after being thrown away. It was ironic to feel so hopeless and sad when it was supposed to be a happy day, or better when he knew it was supposed to happen.

This 31st December, he didn’t light a candle like how he used to, instead, he goes out, taking a long walk in the middle of Seoul by the street, busier with the new year. Eyes not leaving the ground and just letting his feet bring him whenever they wanted.

He had never seen Seoul in that day, in all those years he had kept hidden behind his walls, flooded by drunk messages from his friends, silence surroundings him and thought racing in his bind, all he would do was blowing the only candle for a birthday boy who wasn’t there.

But this year, he wanted to move on, not completely, it’s not something he could, but a little, he wanted to see the real world for once, outside of the one he had created inside of his head.

He wanted to see their happiness, see their smile and hear their laugh reverberating trough the streets, wanted to see the countdown with his own eyes and just heard it from his friends.

That was why he had called Jin, walking along the Han river, asking is they could join them.

It was the first time he asked where they would be at this period of the year, and he was grateful to not hear the surprise or shock in Seokjin voice who answered with laugh and cry behind him that resemble a lot to “Joonie is coming!”

“We’re still outside, Hoseok wanted to go clubbing but Jungkook isn’t in the mood, but wait wherever you are, we’ll come get you and see, where are you, home?”

“The river.” He answered, eyes lost in the water and expecting him to ask question which he didn’t letting Namjoon breathe a little easier.

“We’re coming, don’t move.”

That was how he find himself there, that part of the city was empty, people gathering in Gangnam or side of the cities were the firework could be seen better.

The sky was darker than the other night, just a few stars were still persistently showing despite the cloud covering it.

His fingers were playing with the candle in his pocket that he couldn’t help but take with him, wanting to still blow it, he wanted to, really but he didn’t do anything, not wanting to continuing in his attachment to a ghost that want even there.

Sighing he take it out, the candle was white, nothing special, long, and perfumed because he liked having the presence of someone by the scent.

 _Memory failure_ supply his brain with a voice of his own self. A voice he suppresses immediately.

The wind wasn’t here but it was chill enough to makes his fingers go red around the candle.

So he stare at it, a moment, a long moment, until he whispered it, low enough for the wind to be the only witness.

“Happy birthday Tae.” Before moving forward and letting the candle fall on the river with a small splash. He didn’t see it disappear in the depth of the water, but he hears it falling, and it was enough for him to moved away, heart a little lighter, but memories a still mess.

But he didn’t care, he had a life in front of him, he had time to take care of his own monsters.

When the car come, Seokjin was the first to get out, a wide smile on his face and coming to him with arms already stretch that hugs him tightly, laughing.

“I promise we’re not drunk, just soooo happy to see you!” and whisper in Namjoon ear so that the other two cannot hear. “I guaranty you, Jungkook would cry today.”

He was quickly sandwiched between their maknae and Hoseok, a hug that he hadn’t received since a long moment and the warmness makes him remember the last time he was between someone arm, and that person being his mother, it makes him tear up, making Hoseok coo at him, and Jungkook tighten his hold around him.

“Guys… thank you for being here, for having me and not giving up on me.” He said, not even knowing why he was broking the happy moment, but he had the need to say it, the need for them to know how grateful he was, how, never in his life he could thank them enough for everything.

The words make Jungkook started crying, arms wrapping him tightly and almost clutching him between them, but he didn’t mind, hugging the younger back, hand coming to pat his head, before trying to continue tear in his eyes that he refused to let fall.

“Thank you really... for everything.”

“You’re not dying Namjoon, stop scarring us like that.” whisper Hoseok who was trying to keep a smile on his face even if his eyes was damped, and the sight wanted to makes him laugh for the first time, he want to, but the sound didn’t come, so instead he whisper in a voice smaller than before, trying to keep control of his emotion, something he as failing miserably.

“I’m not but before I die, I just want you all to know that, you never know when you die, I just want you guys to know how much you mean to me… And, and… I’m sorry if the last years I was quiet, if I didn’t say why I was depressed, but I’ll talk, I promise, I will tell you guys everything one day, I promise…” He didn’t have to continue, feeling Jungkook whisper wetly between his arm.

“You’re my best friend, Hyung, my older brother and someone I admire.” And Namjoon felt the first tear fall, the first of many that night. “and my role model and one of the most important persons, and that’s enough for me, but I’ll listen to you, completely, and I’ll wait, I promise too. We all promise to.”

“That’s right, Joonie. You’re as much as our brother than we are yours, that means we’re here for you, whenever you’re ready.” Comes Hoseok voice who hadn’t let any tears fall but was sniffing loudly.

He cries, for the first time in years in front of them, ugly fat tears flowing down his cheeks and disappearing in Jungkook hair who was refusing to let him go. It was awful, like a child cry out in the middle of a crowd, but he couldn’t help it, it was just too much at once, a dam breaking.

They hug him, Jungkook crying with him and whispering small “I love you, hyung.” and Namjoon was so grateful, so so much that for the first time, he wishes. He wished to the entity in the sky, looking at the fireworks exploding in beautiful lights, for his friends to stay by his side.

Wishing for them to stick together, to be happy, and grow old enough to tell their children their story.

That night, celebrating the New Year with tears in their eyes, he felt Seokjin hand in his shoulder whispering a “Thank You” that seems a lot heavy than the word itself. He felt Hoseok presence, and Jungkook arm enveloping him.

He felt their love, their care and felt the bond of a family he would carry all his life

He cries a lot, but for the first time, at some point of the night, the tears weren’t sad anymore, for once they were from happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit it, i cried writing this… :(
> 
> Please leave a feedback !


	20. Chapter 20

January start with a surprise.

It happened the first Monday after winter break, Namjoon had finished his sections after what was supposed to be the last patient now, standing up with his files in hand when the door knocked, shyly like the person was expecting him not to hear.

He didn’t any more appointment, and wasn’t used to have anyone at this hour, that was why he was surprised to see Min Yoongi enter.

His eyes were down, posture hesitant like he wasn’t sure if his presence was asked, he was wearing a white fluffy sweater, bigger than him, his hair were longer than last time, blond locks falling on his eyes with black root showing and round glasses on his nose, his face was paler too, with dark circles under his eyes.

“Hello, Yoongi.”

The other looked up, started, eyes wide looking at him, and lips parted to say something, but words seems to die down making Namjoon smile gently.

“I know your name and I know why you’re here too.” He continues waiting for the new comer to say something, but Yoongi didn’t say anything, cheeks reddening and hands fidgeting with his sweater, so Namjoon gesture to the two armchair, putting down his files.

“Take a seat, I’m Kim Namjoon, you can call however you want, I’m younger than you, so you can call me by my name.”

His colleague didn’t liked it, being called familiarly, thinking that a professional relationship was better for patient to open up, Namjoon didn’t agree, for him it was important for the patient be understood first and by it, he mean respected first.

He didn’t really want to be close to them as friend, it would be against every moral, but he wanted for every patient to know that with him, they weren’t just subject to be healed, but actual humans.

He looks at Yoongi nod timidly, cheeks more red than before, and takes one sit without saying a word, Namjoon doesn’t mind the silence, it was his first time with him and many of his patent had been silent too in their first section.

Taking the other armchair, he gestures to the coffee table between them, asking a question he would ask at every section.

“Do you preferred to be recorded or that I wrote in this notebook what would be said ?”

Yoongi seems to think about it, eyes travelling between the recorder and the worn-out notebook, before gesturing to the first, it makes Namjoon smile because since the beginning of his job no one had choose the recorder.

Usually, the patient preferred him writing, for the simple reason that he has to look at them, and it was simpler for them to open up that way.

But he preferred himself the record, he could look at his patient directly in their eyes, could feel their feeling and drink their words directly, and listen their voice after, like a real conversation. It was completely different than words ridden that hasn’t any emotion but more like an empty medical report.

“How do you feel today?” He asks first, setting the recorder that he had never use before.

Yoongi seems hesitant, finger not leaving his sweater paws and eyes looking carefully what he was doing with the cables, he waited for Namjoon to plug everything and playing it before asking, shyly.

“Won’t you ask why I didn’t come before?” His voice was gravely, different from his cute and small appearance, and maybe it was the lack of talk but Namjoon liked it, it was the voice of a silent person and by it, it means someone who had a lot to say.

“I can, but I know that if you wanted to say it, you would have. Here, with me, there’s not answers or questions, just what you feel, and what you want to talk about.”

Yoongi nod eyes down, thinking probably to what he wanted to say and Namjoon sit back, waiting patiently to let him gather his thought, crossing his legs, a movement that seems to draw Yoongi eyes, whose stay there a moment before looking at him directly for second and blushing again when he seem to comeback from his thought.

Namjoon was starting to think that Min Yoongi was a shy person or maybe just a, easily flustered one.

“I relapse” He finally said, eyes not meeting his, like waiting to be scolded, something he know dr. Soo would have done gently.

Namjoon didn’t say anything waiting for him to continue, which he did, hesitantly.

“I drink more in the last week, but…” He looked up at Namjoon, eyes locking and imploring to be trusted.

“It wasn’t because I wanted to…”

” Why then?” Namjoon asked, voice gentle and quiet, which seems to make the blond a little calmer.

Yoongi look down again, hand clutching in each other.

“I can’t tell you that...” He mumbles

“That’s okay, do you liked drinking now ?”

“Not like before, it was more like I had to, to forget but I can’t tell you what to forget.” He adds quickly, making Namjoon smile a little nodding.

“It’s okay, but how much did you drink?” And Yoongi didn’t answer, he didn’t remember at all, his expression was lost, trying to search in his memory for the answer, but in the end he just sigh.

“I don’t know but my brother was sad, he didn’t talk to me for two straight day after, so it should be a lot.”

Namjoon had read it in his files, Min Yoongi, ex pianist who stopped playing after the death of his parents, had started small jobs to support his brother studies who name he had never said, he had started to drink at some point, mostly to forget.

But forget what ?

Yoongi don’t talk much, not with long speech and words flooding out of his mouth, he was more a small line type of person, talking about the essential and getting straight to the point without a second thought. That’s why he would search for the better words, would thing before answering and choose carefully everything he would say.

That’s how Namjoon know about his current job, how he cops with his drinking habit by taking a lot of coffee, how his brother and friends keeps him from relapsing.

“Last week, it’s just... something happened, it’s not that I can’t controlled it, I just… I don’t know why…”

“It’s okay, it’s your first relapse. You’re doing better and that’s what mater, don’t focus on the negative side, focus on how long you didn’t drink, that’s the most important.”

“I promised my brother to be better.”

“And you’re doing it, you’re so much better than before, you went so far because you wanted to, I wasn’t here from the start but I read everything about you that doctor Soo left, and you have been going good.”

Yoongi blush furiously, eyes down with a small smile on his face, whispering a small “Thank you”

“You don’t have to thank me, you did it on your own, you just have to keep going. And don’t forget that me, or even Doctor Soo is your more comfortable with her, we’re here for you, when you relapse, you can talk to us, we’ll be here.” It makes Yoongi blush harder, ducking his head.

They discussed like that, slowly and carefully, they were a lot of blank parts in Yoongi story, a lot of hesitation too, and thinking of better words, Namjoon could see how much min Yoongi was careful with words, careful in his posture, in his way of expressing himself.

Like keeping himself in check.

Careful in the way he would exist, like trying to make himself smaller and avoiding any lingering eyes, but in the end, he was drawing attention on him by his aura.

When the section comes to an end, Yoongi was the first to look at his watch, making Namjoon smile, and letting his dimple show, they don’t really say goodbye, nodding at each other while Yoongi try to slip behind the door shyly.

“I hope to see you next week.”


	21. Chapter 21

It’s days later when he contacts Professor So again.

They had stayed in touch even after Namjoon wasn’t his patient anymore, she was the type of person to keep contact with every person she would crossed and with her motherly presence it wasn’t hard to feel welcomed in her open arms.

Namjoon had been amongst the one who had willingly reach for her after his last therapy section. Even after, whenever he would have a problem, a question, an advice, he would seek her comfort and help without being too invasive and she had never let him down.

Many doctors and therapist would find this behaviors intolerable, that a patient relation with his therapist must stopped the moment he left his therapy and shouldn’t be friends or whatever at all, but for Namjoon, it was something important to keep, something that now would keep his patient felt cared enough.

Because human could move forward in his life all he want, the past demon always succeed to reach at some point, and often it’s when you don’t think about it, when life is blooming for you and you never thought to face you demons ever again.

Namjoon was the living proof of that.

That’s why professor So presence was important for him like his own with his patients. Like no matter what, even if he failed to control his head, he knew she was here, because like many other, he didn’t have his own family to tell him to take that role.

And it was okay, he had learned to know that being dependent was nothing wrong.

That’s why she had been the first person he had called when Min Yoongi didn’t come the first day, panicking if something had gone wrong.

One the outside, Namjoon was a confident and quiet person, eyes looking everywhere and analyzing every soul, but inside, he was still a little child that needed guidance.

“It’s okay Namjoon-ah, not all people grow up fully to become responsible and independent adults, some of us still need a hand to take to walk correctly and there is nothing wrong with that, what’s wrong is to considered that as a weak point.”

He had smiled, nodding and trying to not think about his heart breaking all over again, because it was supposed to be words spoken from his own mother, that just wasn’t there anymore and for that Namjoon couldn’t even blame her.

Hearing about Yoongi, his professor hadn’t been worried, telling him to just wait, that “a scared cat need reassurance before coming”, he didn’t understand those words until he had actually see Min Yoongi again, smiling at his resemblance to a small scared kitten.

That was why he called her that day, during lunch time when he was finishing writing on one of his patient reports. Basically, it was to tell her about Min Yoongi comeback.

But the voice that answered her phone wasn’t hers, but rather of a men that he vaguely recognized as his husband, a kind and intelligent men that he had seen once or twice when he started to work in the clinics as an intern.

Mr. So inform him quickly to come to the north hospital because “Seohyun must want you here, and before you ask, I can’t say anything, I promised her.”

He tried to ask if everything was alright, but the only answers that he get was to come to the said location and see by himself, which he did, after finishing all his sections, he takes the ways to the hospital in question, uneasy and worried that something might happen to professor So, it wasn’t her due date yet if he remember correctly, so he tried not to panic, especially when he wasn’t supposed to.

The way inside the hospital was harder, eyes roaming around to see her, the nurse couldn’t help him because he wasn’t a family member, so all he did was to wait for Mr. So after texting him that he was there.

The man appeared quickly, expression tired with dark circle under his eyes, he doesn’t seem worried, rather happy, and Namjoon started to understand why he was there, and his suspicion confirmed when he entered the maternity ward.

Was he supposed to be here ? He wasn’t even close to the family, it was their moment, was he supposed to ?

He wanted to ask if professor So wanted him here, but in the end, he stays quite following Mr So in a quiet room.

“The baby is sleeping so no noise.”

The first thing his eyes fall on, entering the quiet room, was the small baby bed next to Professor So that was lying on his own with her eyes closed.

It was small, too small to even contain a leaving human. He approached it after Mr. So gesture him to come closer, hesitant at first, it was the first time he was seeing a newborn and his first thought was that it was too small and fragile. The baby was wrapped in a baby pink banket, soundly sleeping with his mouth pouting cutely with round rosy cheeks.

For a second, he thought of a doll, a baby doll lying there.

The baby girl looks a lot like professor So, with the same button nose, the same lips and round face and it was amazing to see those details already in a newborn.

“Please tell me she’s pretty.” come professor So tired voice, and Namjoon looks up smiling and crossing her warm gaze. Her eyes weren’t leaving the small sleeping creature, eyes full of love and amazement, life was just beautiful.

“She looks like you.” He whisper, not wanting to break the calm in the room, his observation makes her smile, they don’t talk, too fascinated with the new life that comes into the world, Namjoon finger were twitching to touch her, wanting to feel what it was like to be this young, and like always Professor So read him too well.

“You can touch her, but don’t wake her up.”

And so he did, finger hesitantly approaching and grazing her cheeks delicately, it was soft, like velvet and warm. The sensation makes him smile, looking up at her mother who was smiling.

“You look like kid finding a new type of candy.”

“It’s the first time I see a baby.” And he was fascinated by it, eyes looking at the small creature before looking up at her mother again. He wanted to ask how she was, but he didn’t think it was a question she would be comfortable with knowing how she doesn’t talk about herself in any way at all so he let his curiosity takes over instead.

“What’s her name?”

“I don’t know, I wanted to give her the first name that comes in mind when I see her, but...”

“You don’t have one?” he asked when she didn’t continue.

“I have one, who had a meaning that is really important to me, but I remember someone telling me, that parents shouldn’t give their children a burden they can’t take.”

Her answer hit home, a little too much for it to be just a coincidence, he had said it years ago, when Professor So had been the first to know his story, and also the first to know how much he had hated his parents at some point before forgiving them.

“What did you choose?” he said voice trembling a little that didn’t go unnoticed by her, who smiled slightly, eyes looking down at the baby girl with a loving gaze.

“Ahnjong.”

The name is full of meaning, full of something achieved by his parents, full and heavy but so light and hopeful. Like a wish.

“It means peacefulness.” he said looking at professor So who nod with a smile.

“I want her to know that she was my goal, that she’s the one who gives me that feeling of tranquility and contentment, like I did everything in my life I wanted and she’s the result of it, and I want her to know every day that she was loved, but at the same time… doesn’t she will filled pressured to do good in life just to satisfy me and my greediness? Or keep herself at the same level to what her name holds as a meaning…”

He felt her eyes losing their focus, mind lost in his own world, something that would happen rarely, vestige of her own insecurity that she would never show to him because “I’m suppose to be here for you, it’s like a mother who can’t talk about her worries to her child, because a mother isn’t supposed to be weak.”

But this time, she was wrong, a mother could be weak like her child could be stronger than her to support her. He turned to the small baby, caressing her cheeks delicately with a small smile, whispering words that he had learned from the baby mother herself, words of happiness and best wishes that he hoped for her.

“She won’t feel pressured, right Ahnjong-ah ? Because your eomma is an amazing person, she knows when she’s right and know how to help others, so she will know how to not pressure you and let you grow up freely. You have an amazing life before you Ahnjong-ah with an amazing family that loves you so much. Just… Don’t fight with you eomma too much, she’s too sensitive for her own good, and if you’re upset, if your eomma let me be there until then, I’ll be there for you too.” It makes professor So laugh wetly, bright damp eyes looking at him that he couldn’t help but compared to his own mother that he missed a lot at the moment.

“Ahnjong-ah, please you have to like Namjoon oppa, he will be like your older brother… Or uncle ?” Professor So said with a smile turning to him with the same bright eyes he was used to.

“I’m going to spoil her completely, Joonie Samchon is pretty to hear.” he joked, eyes filling with tears when he realized the words that had left his lips, ringing like a promise in the air.

“Now that it’s time for confession… thank you for staying in touch Namjoon-ah, I’m glad you chose to continue you fight.” she whispered, eyes on her baby who stir a little in her sleep.

“I’m glad too.”

Because he wanted to stay, not because he had someone to turn to if needed, but because he had a reason to continue and fight with himself, a reason that he will keep in his heart even if the person doesn’t exist anymore.

He will keep fighting, grow old, alone and maybe more broken but at least he had people with him, around him, people he loved, even if it wasn’t the one he yearned for.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapter are like chill (it's the calm before the storm)  
> they're mostly based on three persons, but our Namgi are involved.  
> Hope you like it.

Jimin set perfectly in their group of friends, it never happened before, Namjoon had always hated a new face in their group, hated to add another presence, another voice, another laughs around him.

It was like, accepting someone would interrupt the peace he had created with his three favorite persons.

But Jimin enter like he has always been there, it happens so slowly, so thoroughly that Namjoon didn’t really see when he really comes, one moment he was just the bartender that Hoseok was cruching on and the next second he become someone that would orbit around them like it had always been his place.

Jimin was just always there, during their lunch, smiling laughing, talking and blending with them so easily, like another piece of them that they never knew was missing, it was strange to see another person like that, strange to consider a new person like his own.

But it was stranger that Namjoon didn’t mind.

He could feel Hoseok or even Seokjin wanting to interject, eyes looking at him whenever Jimin would show up or just sit with them when his shift would be over, their lips twitching, wanting to ask if he was really okay with the new presence, but every time, he would turn to Jimin with an awkward smile on his face not used to talk openly to any strangers that weren’t his patients, and would ask the younger anything that would passed through his mind and sigh internally when their frown would leave his friends faces.

And he liked it that way, liked Jimin because he was making Hoseok happy, even if someone else was not, liked that for once he wasn’t opposed to someone presence, because in a sense it was like he was taking a step forward.

Jimin was a sweat guy, blunt but smiley and always honest, a little brat but it was never not welcomed, he was a breath of fresh air.

A new person with his own story and life, someone to learn to love too, someone to trust too.

A person who could read hearts a little too easily.

Namjoon arrived first in Jimin coffee shop that day, it was the third time they had planned to eat here, even if every single time, their menu hadn’t filed their stomach entirely and they have end up buying something in the cart outside. But Hoseok had wanted to come back because “I can’t see Jimin enough at school.”

It wasn’t in his plan to help them get together, but when Jungkook didn’t seem to say anything, Namjoon couldn’t help but support Hoseok, contrary to Seokjin who had decided to black listed Jimin, Namjoon couldn’t take a side, Hoseok and Jungkook were both important to him, so here he was hopping that they lunch date would passed smoothly like always.

Jimin was still working behind the counter, waving him quickly before continuing his shift that should end soon.

Tacking a sit in one of the back table, he send a quick text to their own group chat, telling them to be quick, because as much as he liked Jimin he wasn’t keen to have an alone conversation with him, especially not when the younger was just too flirty for his own good.

It wasn’t that Namjoon doesn’t liked it, Jimin had his own personality and Namjoon respected him, but he was too awkward to know how to answer to the younger flirt who makes anyone, even Seokjin even he won’t admit it, all flustered and he wasn’t ready to be in the receiving end.

His phone light up a second later, showing a text from Seokjin and making him frown when he read that Jungkook wasn’t coming, but it was expected. The last few days, he could see how their maknae just wanted to bold out at every meeting, keeping his eyes on his plate or passing long moment in bathroom or outside to “take some fresh air.”

Namjoon wasn’t blind to the younger struggle, he had pick up things recently, caught Jungkook staring at Hoseok with eyes that weren’t like before, had seen him quiet, sulking and pouting avoiding the dancer completely when Jimin was around. In the beginning, Namjoon had thought of a fight, but those two never had an argument before, it was like they were always agree with each other no matter what, but not this time.

“Kookie is in love that’s why.” Seokjin had said one day when the other two hadn’t arrived yet to one of their many lunch dates.

“He’s just being dumb and insecure.”

And Namjoon didn’t know how to help him other than being honest, something that seems impossible for Jungkook who had started to avoid all of their gaze during their meetings.

And he didn’t like it, not when now Jungkook will start to stop coming with them, because Namjoon wasn’t dumb, knowing the younger, it was only the beginning of Jungkook avoidance.

It hadn’t happened before, when the four of them wasn’t together for an outing, at least not from the three others, and he wasn’t feeling right about it.

So he send a quick “I’m coming tonight” before turning to Jimin who was approaching with two drinks, smiling ear to ear, rosy cheeks and bright eyes.

“For you Hyung, it’s on the house.” He said happily before flopping down in front of him.

Something must show on his face, because the younger smile drops a little, wavering. Something that was too strange to look at, used to the other never-ending confidence.

“Everything is okay ? You don’t seem fine…”

He wanted to be honest, but he shakes his head, taking his americano with a small thankful smile. The younger doesn’t seem convinced, pondering in his head something before sighing and taking his own cup, something too sugary just by the look.

“It’s the first time I have you just for me.” he blushes, violently, not liking how the younger could with a single sentence makes him feel uncomfortable and awkward.

What the younger had said wasn’t even suggestive, the older knowing what he means, but Jimin had a way with words that just makes anyone flustered, at this point he could tell Jimin was the type who make everyone fall on love with him.

He doesn’t say anything not even known if he should answer but the younger doesn’t let him think for a reply.

“I’ll seem blunt but are you single?” Namjoon eyes widen, looking at the younger who was waiting with wide eyes that seems everything expect innocent.

“I don’t think I should answer that.”

Because why Jimin would even ask that ? Was it normal for friends to ask each other those type of question ? He didn’t have many encounters outside of his three best friends, but he was sure it wasn’t something that was answered, especially when his best friend seems to have taken a liking for Jimin.

“Why? Don’t worry it’s not for me, I mean you’re hot, but my heart only belong to one person.” The younger said winking and drinking happily his drink, and Namjoon wasn’t really the type of person to be flustered easily but Jimin seems the type to melt a rock.

For a second, he wanted to ask if he was talking about Hoseok, but those two relation was still to small flirting here and there or innocent touch that doesn’t go unnoticed by any of the others, so he stay quiet, not wanting to intrude in something that hadn’t even started yet.

“I… I’m single but… I’m not really…” he really needed hos friends here…

How do you say to someone that you’re not interested, it had never happened before, should he be blunt like Seokjin ? Or vague like Hoseok? He remembers how Hoseok had turn down a girl by telling her she was pretty, but he didn’t have time to date. He could say that too, even if it wasn’t a total lie… He was thinking for an answer quickly, trying to find something that won’t hurt anyone Jimin was asking for but Jimin sigh right away, frowning and pouting like a petulant child.

“Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t know you were interested only in woman…”

“It’s not that…” he try to say when he see the sadness in the younger face, but stopped, not really wanting to give the green light to whoever the person was, it was better to stay vague and keep anyone far away from him, he wasn’t and probably would never be ready for any relation.

So he don’t say anything, smiling awkwardly before taking his phone and hoping for any text telling him they were close, but finding none he blurt the first thing that was in mind, hopping to change the subject from himself.

“Jungkook isn’t coming.” He didn’t look up from his screen scrolling through the younger text who at least was more active lately and didn’t see the younger frown to his words.

“Why? Something happen?”

“I don’t know but Jungkook wasn’t feeling well lately, he might have catch something.” It was lie, but Jimin doesn’t need to know the truth, at least not when the younger wasn’t ready to say what was bugging him out loud even to him.

When he looks up, Jimin frown had deepen, lips forming a thin line and typing on his phone quickly before pocketing it back. He seems upset by the younger absence, but Namjoon doesn’t ask anything, not wanting to seem intruding.

But then Jimin smile return albeit a little smaller and forced, looking at him with the same glint than before.

“Tell me about yourself hyung, you already know everything about me.”

“There’s nothing special to tell.”

“You’re lying, someone who can open people heart is always special.” and Namjoon tried hard not to blush, avoiding the younger questions by giving half answers when he could or staying quiet before asking something back when the question were becoming to personals like “do you have brothers or sisters?”.

Jimin was really someone special, with a bright mind and a brighter smile that warm any cold heart and Namjoon could understand why Hoseok had fall for him so fast, but he hoped the person Jimin was talking about was Hoseok too.

Because otherwise, it would all because messier.


	23. Chapter 23

Jungkook doesn’t hate Jimin.

Contrary to what it seems, he never even disliked Jimin.

He could never, not because he wasn’t that type of person, but because no one could hate Jimin, he was the perfect guy, without any flaw or defect. With the perfect plump lips, perfect eyes smile, perfect voice, perfect laugh and perfect everything.

Jungkook could make a list of everything that was perfect, or beyond perfect on Jimin, anyone with eyes could see that he was just something made by god himself with delicate feature and an amazing aura.

So Jungkook never hated him.

But he could dislike him just a little for having Hoseok entire attention.

It wasn’t a surprise that Hoseok had fall for him, Jungkook would too if his heart wasn’t already stolen.

But he hated how Jimin had taken his best friend attention in a heartbeat where Jungkook hadn’t succeeded in years.

It wasn’t really Jimin fault, Jungkook had just been idiot enough to fall in love with his own best friend, and stupid enough to not have said anything before it was too late.

So again, he doesn’t hate Jimin, but it doesn’t mean he wanted to see him giggling and smiling in front of him to Hoseok and see them getting closer in front of his eyes. He had a sanity to hold, and most of all he had to not be caught.

In the past few weeks he could see how everyone was starting to be more cautious around him, how Namjoon had started to sit between Jimin and Hoseok when they would meet for lunch or sometimes dinner, how Seokjin would done small gathering for just the four of them whenever Jimin couldn’t be there. And he was grateful, but he doesn’t need their help when all he wanted was to disappear from everyone eyes.

All of his friend attempt to makes things better show him how he was just a lost cause, and he hated it.

Hated that he wasn’t able to hide his own feelings.

Hated that a single person had makes him open himself when he had succeeded to stay quiet all those years

Hated to see that in the end, he had lost, completely and without any chance.

But especially, he hated that Jimin seems to have caught on what was going on with him.

The older had never said anything directly, never even behave in a certain way to makes Jungkook understand that his secret crush wasn’t a secret anymore.

But Jimin eyes were like…sharp knife, cutting you open and looking at everything inside, he knew how to see inside people, knew what Jungkook was hiding.

And that was something the younger never wanted.

In the far end of his mind, he wanted to play the bad card, fight and take Hoseok for himself, but he knew he doesn’t have a right, Hoseok had always seen him as a little brother and it wasn’t something that would ever change

And most of all he wasn’t a right fight against Jimin because Jungkook was too fade, too normal, too himself.

It hurt because there was nothing, he younger could do, if there was anything Jungkook had more than Jimin he would have at least tried, but he couldn’t.

He was like those second character fighting for the hero and losing ridiculously against the heroine, making the entire audience laugh at their misfortune.

It was a lost cause since the beginning.

So here he was sulking in his bed that he haven’t leaved since this morning, it was those days where he just wanted to cry at himself for not being someone better, at least better enough for Hoseok to look at him.

And that was another reason he doesn’t hate Jimin for being so amazing, not at all.

Hoseok had stopped looking at him, like at all, it was like Jungkook had disappeared completely, during their lunch, Hoseok had eyes just for Jimin and only him, when he wasn’t there it was _Jimin this, Jimin that,_ and Jungkook doesn’t mind, really, he doesn’t care if Hoseok had fallen in love with someone like the perfection himself, but he wanted Hoseok to have time for him too, even a little.

He missed his best friend arms around him, his hands in his own, his laugh just against his ear whenever he wouldn’t control his laugh, falling on the person next to him mostly Jungkook himself, he just miss his best friend.

Like a lot.

And for that he hated Jimin.

Jimin who had stolen his Hoseok.

But again, it wasn’t Jimin fault, just his own who hadn’t enough courage to take him back or at least makes himself show that he was there too. That’s why that day, tired of being a nonexistent person, he had refused to go to their daily lunch date.

Deep down he wanted to see if Hoseok would miss him, if he would ever see that he wasn’t there or if he would sit, forgetting him completely, and that fear had started to take roots in his head.

“What if he doesn’t mind me, what if he doesn’t even care?”

It was silly, immature, and plainly stupid, but he was Jungkook, and Jungkook wasn’t known for his brightness.

So Jungkook in love was the personification of stupidity and he was the first to said it.

“Kookie, don’t close off, it’s just a crush, it will pass.” It was Seokjin, hand in Jungkook hair peeking through the blanket thrown over his body, his hyung had tried to makes him at least leave his bed, but it was without success, refusing to leave the warmness of his body to face the coldness of the world.

They knew that what Seokjin had said wasn’t true, they could see the glint in Hoseok eyes whenever Jimin would appear, how he would light up to Jimin every touch or smile or attention, or anything.

It wasn’t a crush, it was love.

And Jungkook was doomed.

“Just today hyung, please, let me be… just today…”

Seokjin doesn’t argue, sighing and pathing his head, because he knew it was a bad idea, but he would never force his brother to do anything that he wasn’t comfortable with.

“How about Namjoon coming later ? Just the three of us for a movie night.”

It never happens before that one of them doesn’t come or isn’t invited, it was four or no one.

But it would happen now, and it was Jungkook fault, he doesn’t want their group to disappear, it was on of his biggest fear to see all four of them parting their ways, but he needed a breath, not from them.

But from Jimin.

Because lately where there was Hoseok, Jimin was there, his presence, his memories, by words or preference like when Hoseok would takes the sweetest drink because _it’s Jimin favorite_.

So he just nod at Seokjin request, guilt clogging his throat and wanting to cry, he let some tears fall when his hyung leave his room, quiet sniffle lost in his pillow, hating himself for what he was doing.

But he couldn’t help it, he was just a human after all. And he wanted to be selfish, just a little, enough so he could be able to face Hoseok again tomorrow and all the days after.


End file.
